#17 and #16: Chris Brown as a ‘singer’… and Chris Brown and Rihanna

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In Greek mythology, twins were a way of representing the dualism of the universe. Chaos and order were understood by the Greeks to be the most fundamental equilibrium, as their balance formed the basis for a functional human civilization.

Divine twins (e.g. us) serve as a metaphor for this universal phenomenon. For example:

At five years old, Pollux decided to make an ice rink in the kitchen by covering the floor in ice cubes. Castor suggested that the ice might possibly melt, making the floor a slippery hazard rather than an ice rink. Furthermore, neither twin had ice skates, nor did they know how to ice skate. Chaos prevailed, until Pollux slipped, at which point order seemed to make more sense.

When running a bit late one evening, Castor suggested to Pollux that she maybe hurry up. The enraged Pollux then threw a shoe at her wardrobe, leaving an irreparable dent, explaining that time was just a construct and in the long run, fifteen minutes would fall into insignificance. When Castor explained that they were in fact running an hour late, Pollux angrily, and very awkwardly face palmed the weak Castor, which resulted in tears. Order was restored when, within seconds, Pollux also started crying and said “Oh my God I’m so sorry…don’t tell mum…I lost control of my temper I love you Cla…Castor”.

This oscillation between chaos and order is necessary for change and stability in the world. However, in 2012, it seems that order has been lost.

Chaos is rampant. Earthquakes and hurricanes have become frequent occurrences. The world is fighting a war that no one really understands. We have Gangnam style, and the people who dance to it (including but not limited to the old golfer at work who caught on like…yesterday). We have ‘Twilight’, but more alarmingly, Kristen Stewart. For goodness sake, Castor (who is MEANT to represent order) changed her ringtone to ‘Whistle’ by Flo Rida (on PURPOSE) and no one, including herself, knows why. Pollux sings church hymns to our dog and changes the word ‘God’ to ‘Ted’…But worst of all: Chris Brown has 11 million followers on Twitter. He almost killed Rihanna. He sung a total of 15 seconds (40 words) at the 2012 Grammy’s, and lip synced 3 minutes 42 seconds (352 words). He told a woman to “take them teeth out when you suck my dick hoe”. He spelt ‘hoe’ (a long-handled gardening tool used for weeding and breaking up soil) wrong, but we presume he meant ‘ho’ (a promiscuous female), because he is a misogynistic prick….and because the conversation didn’t appear to have much to do with gardening.

If we have a music industry where we can have an artist try to kill ANOTHER music artist, AND continuously offend and disrespect half the population, both in his lyrics and in his behavior, AND break the law frequently through drug abuse and assault, AND throw a chair out a window after an interview, AND THEN be invited to the Grammy’s the following year, AND be asked to perform….AND THEN AFTER ALL THAT HE LIP SYNCS?? He is either really, really funny, or Hades/Satan (we are going with the latter). Either way, we can logically deduce that the world has to be ending after this Grammy’s, because at this rate the 2013 Grammy’s will look a little something like this:

–       It will be hosted at Auschwitz by Lindsay Lohan

–       The audience will be treated to a duet between Chris Brown and Rihanna, which will take place in a gas chamber because it has good sound, after which Brown will propose, and the crowd will cry with joy.

–       He will then shoot her in the head.

–       All women in attendance will have to have their teeth removed as a pre-requisite, as requested by Chris Brown and his posse.

–       Women will be ineligible for awards because they can no longer sing because they do not have any teeth. 

–       Performers will not only give up on the whole singing their own song thing, but also lip syncing. Instead they will just stand there tapping their feet and holding a microphone.

With our world descending into this sort of chaos, there is no question that the world will end before the 2013 Grammy’s.

Evidently, there are several reasons why Chris Brown’s presence in the universe indicates it’s imminent downfall. First, and most superficially, is his inability to actually sing during live performances, even though this is his job and what he gets paid to do. We work behind the bar at a golf club. We can’t just walk into work, see a customer, mime a greeting, mouth “What would you like”, pretend to pour a beer, and then exit the bar. Likewise, a brain surgeon cannot pretend to do surgery, just as a teacher can’t not teach, a pilot can’t just not fly planes, a builder can’t fool people into thinking his building something when he’s actually not, and a politician cannot just say they’re going to do something and then not do….oh wait, nah, yeah they can. But apart from that, society is built on the premise that you actually do what you “do”. Mmmm, such a complicated notion. A singer should sing just as a bus driver drives buses. But no, in 2012, singers don’t sing, and Kim Kardashian/Paris Hilton/Nicole Ritchie don’t actually do anything.

So Chris Brown doesn’t sing, but at least he accepts the responsibility that comes with the fame he has acquired from not singing…right?

Seriously. Chris Brown has two jobs. a) To sing his own songs, and b) To not beat up Rihanna. He dismally fails at both. Who is his boss? Why isn’t he fired yet? Pollux got a warning for being on her phone at work, and for being ten minutes late. And Chris Brown remains not only employed, but esteemed in the music industry, for failing at what the ONLY thing he is meant to be doing.

Chris Brown…like…really hurt Rihanna. We were under the impression that he mildly assaulted her (if there is such a thing), when he actually nearly killed her. Who nearly kills someone? That’s just…not very socially acceptable. If Brown nearly killed a man, wouldn’t he be in prison? Instead, if you nearly kill your female partner, its domestic abuse, and you do community service. Really? He got let off because he is not a violent man, he doesn’t hate women, he is just an innocent guy who accidentally almost killed Rihanna (who hasn’t been there huh!?) its not in his nature to be abusive, he won’t reoffend! Ah…

Wait…but…but…we’re no detectives…but his song lyrics include…

“Let Me Take You Down” (no…thanks…)

“Give it to her in the worst way, the worst way…” (umm…that doesn’t sound very fun)

“All that bullshit I ain’t hearing it, ‘cause I’m on point like a pyramid. I’m flushing terds, killing shit.” (he said “killing shit” just then)

“Better cuff your chick if you with her I can get her…and she accidentally slip fall on my dick” (…don’t think its possible to accidentally slip onto a penis)

Besides the very bad sentence structure, use of words, grammar etc, it also seems that he might be a little bit violent and/or angry. But he was very sorry after Rihanna though, a completely reformed man. 

Well, not really. He said he didn’t remember hurting her, and then he said he did, and then when he was asked about it during an interview he got angry, hence the chair incident. And then he got anger management counseling, which most definitely worked, evidenced through his ability to diffuse situations that might make him angry. Last week Brown tweeted “I look old as fuck!! And I’m only 23” (why does this man have Twitter?? He virtually illiterate) to which comedian Jenny Johnson replied, “I know! Being a worthless piece of shit can really age a person”. It was here, that Brown logically retaliated, “take them teeth out when you suck my dick hoe”. We don’t really understand the anger, considering what Johnson stated was merely a fact. Nonetheless, the conflict continued, with Brown eventually saying that he would “shart in [Johnson’s] mouth…seize the day” and additionally “shit on her retina”. 

Okay, we don’t think that’s what seize the day/carpe diem means. It doesn’t work in that context at all. How is pooing in someone’s mouth and/or retina seizing the day? And how would you hold someone down long enough to even be able to successfully poo directly into their retina? We’re sure they would close their eyes in defense…Actually, it’s not possible to poo into someones retina, because it sits behind the iris, the cornea, the pupil and the lense. You would literally need to dissect a human eye in order to successfully deposit your faecal matter into a retina. Silly sausage!

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But aside from these (legitimate) logistical issues, there are bigger moral problems behind what Brown is saying in front of eleven million people. Abuse is a continuum. If it is okay to say these things to women, then it is okay to do these things to women. And if it is okay to do these things to women, then it’s okay to do things to women against their will. It is therefore okay to punch them, to kick them, to rape them, to strangle them, and to kill them. The man who says these things to women and gets away with it, or has it endorsed, or sees another man get away with it, is a man who is not being prevented from progressing along this continuum.

Brown’s response to Johnson also highlights an interesting propensity for women to be insulted in reference to their gender, rather than the issue at hand. For example, when Pollux did….wait…absolutely nothing…to frustrate a boy when she was 15, he told her, “you’re as wide as a trampoline”. After thorough analysis of the very poor simile, she was still perplexed because 1) trampolines aren’t “known” for being particularly wide 2) a better example may have been an elephant, a hippopotamus, the great wall of china etc. 3) before she could even articulate it, she could not understand why she had been insulted in terms of a gendered feature, rather than whatever it was that the boy had a problem with. Brown may have been hurt by being told he was a “worthless piece of shit” (bit slack), but instead of tackling this issue, and how it may have been insensitive, judgmental, or not Johnson’s place to say, he instead resorted to subordinating her femininity. Perhaps because this is where he draws his power from. He certainly doesn’t draw it from his ideas, or arguments, or his (not) singing.

Chris Brown’s current single “Don’t judge me”, which is, shamefully, very catchy, is also really stupid. He just repeats “please don’t judge me…and I won’t judge you”, which is like when Pollux borrows heaps of money from Castor, and then suggests that we call it even…like no. We’re not even. And why are you saying you won’t judge me? I didn’t DO anything? You don’t even know me? And he admits to the rumors being true…but asks that people don’t judge him on it? But you have judged us, you’ve judged our entire gender, like when you beat up one woman and then told another she was a ho just because she didn’t like you. And we don’t like you either, so doesn’t that make us ho’s as well? Now, that is very judgmental Mr. Brown. Seriously, it is like Hitler saying to Marc Bloch (victim of the Holocaust) “dw I won’t judge you bud…but you can’t judge me either k?”. We think that he still might judge you…and that is probably fair enough.

But the last straw for us is Rihanna and Chris Brown’s soon to be released collaboration ‘Nobodies Business’. Nobodies business…nobodies business?? You make your entire career on making your lives other peoples business, but then when Brown beats Rihanna, you write an entire song about it being nobody else’s business? Kay if it’s not my business…I won’t listen to and/or buy the song. Our business is nobody else’s business because we don’t make money on it being other people’s business. But we think if we tried to explain that concept to Chris Brown his head would explode and he would probably try to shit on our retina’s. We’ll be sleeping with one eye op…or rather, both eyes closed from now on. 

When we have famous people with 11 million followers on Twitter, threatening to shit in (on? not sure about the grammar) women’s retina’s and shart in their mouths, while claiming that this is ‘seizing the day’, surely the end of the world is fast approaching. With only a little over 2 weeks left of this universe, we hardly have time to get started on the cultural irony of Chris Brown and Rihanna getting back together. But we will leave you with this question: What sort of place are we living in, if one of the most attractive, successful, wealthy, and influential women in the world is getting back together with a man who almost killed her? If the world doesn’t end on the 21st of December, we should probably do something about women’s sense of self worth. Really Rihanna? You’re not going to find love in this hopeless place…you’re just going to find a mentally handicapped, immature 22 year-old, who is violent and erratic, and strangely obsessed with his own faeces.

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#18: Miranda Kerr wrote a ‘book’

 

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In order to determine the 21 reasons why the world is ending on the 21st of December 2012, one must, at times, go to great lengths. But none so far, have been as grueling, painful and downright terrifying, as ‘reading’ Miranda Kerr’s ‘book’ ‘Treasure Yourself’. That is, of course, if you consider a series of bound pages of photographs, other peoples quotes, a brief biography, and space to write your own quotes, to be a book. (We refuse to refer to it as a ‘book’ without inverted commas). If anything proves our commitment to this task, it is surely the fact that we dared to skim the pages of potentially the worst ‘book’ ever written. We have both discussed, and agreed, that if the only things left on planet earth were Miranda Kerr, her book, and one of us, and we had to choose one to die, we would choose ourselves. Because if we chose Miranda Kerr, or the book, we would still have to exist with one of them. ‘Treasure Yourself’ is inarguably evidence for the world ending, because the moment an internationally renowned supermodel, and perhaps the most attractive human being on the planet, tells us to treasure ourselves, is the moment we discover that our world has descended into chaos – and shit is about to get real.

You might think that what we just used was a ‘metaphor’ with a little added touch of ‘hyperbole’ but NO. Miranda Kerr’s ‘book’ was released in 2010, and 2010 was I QUOTE: “…the year the Earth struck back…earthquakes, heat waves, floods, volcanoes, super typoons, blizzards, landslides and droughts killed at least a quarter million people in 2010 – the deadliest year in more than a generation.” With word that Kerr was thinking of writing a ‘book’, a devastating earthquake hit Haiti, affecting over three million people. Coincidence? We think not. Kerr then released “Treasure Yourself” in August of that year. When the ‘book’ reached Christchurch in early September, the biggest ever simultaneous cringe took place, which resulted in a 7.1 magnitude earthquake, causing millions of dollars worth of damage, and great trauma, to the city. Every time someone in the world purchases a copy of this ‘book’, one baby polar bear slips off an ice cap. These are all facts.

Well, these facts are just as evidenced-based as Miranda Kerr’s fervent claim that Noni Juice (her drink of choice since she was fourteen) is the reason for her beautiful skin, improved immune system, and general, you know, attractiveness. You see Miranda, there is such a thing as confusing correlation and causation – just because your perfect life and weird juice consumption co-occurred does not mean that your stupid Noni Juice is magic. But, if Miranda is really so sure that her immune system did not simply just improve with age, but instead was strengthened through her Noni Juice potion, then she must also accept that she single handedly caused a bunch of natural disasters (which is more likely anyway).

Moving on to the real problem – the ‘book’. Her mentor was Louise Hay (mistake numero uno), an author who is also responsible for the world ending, but didn’t make it to the top 21 unfortunately. Louise Hay writes these horrible, cringe worthy, self help books about positive affirmations and is just generally an annoying human. Now, we, as much as the next person, believe in the power of positive thoughts and confidence in achieving one’s goals. But Hay claims that affirmations can do even more than that! She writes an entire book on how “disease” is really “dis ease” and so you can treat physical ailments through the power of the mind. To an extent this may be true. Yet, Hay claims that affirmations can cure CANCER. She writes about how she got cancer of the vagina because she was raped (probably not related – again, correlation or causation?) and how she cured it through mentally dealing with the trauma. Before even attending the doctors to get her final results after chemo, she “knew for sure” that the cancer was gone. Nice little story. But where does this leave the individual who is dying of cancer? Or their family? Is it because they are not being ‘positive’ enough? So now, not only are they dying of cancer, but it is also THEIR FAULT. Something Hay appears to have overlooked, is that there is one inevitable human experience: death, you idiot! Therefore, no matter how many bloody positive affirmations we do, we are all going to die eventually, Hay included, and her stupid attitude will do nothing to stop it. Anyway – we hope we have successfully demonstrated that Louise Hay, Kerr’s mentor, who is often quoted in the ‘book’, is also contributing to the imminent apocalypse, by showering the world with dumb ideas. Kerr takes her lunacy one step further, by making even less sense, including more plagarism, and adding some modeling photographs here and there, accompanied by bad one-liners about how its not the outside but the inside that counts. 🙂

Kerr states that her ‘book’ is “about encouraging young women to embrace their individuality. You may think it’s easy for me to say, but we all have insecurities”. I feel….NO sense of rapport with you. At all. The fact that she says “you may think it’s easy for me to say” just makes us want to punch her in the head even more. What do you mean Miranda? I thought she would have to be insecure about her writing skills…surely. Wait, wait, wait, let me guess what her insecurity is: that she is TOO good looking? Yeah totes same, ah now I can relate!

Miranda Kerr writing a book on how to improve young girls’ self esteem is like having a murderer counsel and comfort the victims family. Um wow that was probably a bit drastic. But it is like Rupert Murdoch telling a poor person that it’s easy to make money. Or Usain Bolt telling us that winning isn’t important, as long as you participate. Miranda Kerr telling us that “I like to think that we are all unique flowers in the amazing garden we call Earth. No two of us are the same and nor should we ever want to be. We all have a place here. A daisy is as beautiful as a sunflower,” is annoying for a few reasons. Firstly, if she is going to say we are all unique flowers, she agrees that some of us are like an ‘Amorphophallus’ flower (look it up..it is U-G-L-Y), which literally looks like a giant, infected, penis. So, for all effective purposes, she is saying that someone who looks like infected genitalia is just as beautiful as someone who looks like her? I think that’s what she’s saying? But I can’t be sure…Secondly, according to this quote, we all have a place here, because we are all beautiful. What if I don’t want to be beautiful? What if I’m not beautiful? What if there are more important things than being beautiful? Hey…that Amorphophallus girl is a really nice person. Shame she looks the way she does, I guess she doesn’t have a place here..in this garden..called Earth..JEEZ. If the Earth is a garden and we are all plants who just want to be beautiful, I’m not watering the plants. Except the Amorphophallus one, at least it looks funny and interesting..hehe

But in all seriousness, the second HALF of Miranda Kerr’s ‘book’ is really a very good idea. Dedicating half the pages of your ‘book’ for your reader to write their own quotes has got to be the laziest ploy I have ever seen. Oh my God…you just didn’t finish your own book. You had ONE job, and you didn’t do it..and now I’m writing your book? For you? And the bit I wrote is better than the bit you wrote. Of course, we took the liberty of completing this section, and have to say that our quotes are at least 4 to 5 times better than those by Miranda Kerr. Ahem: “time is like a clock..it just keeps ticking” – a reference to time, and how it just keeps going. Also, “if you’re willing to cut with the knife, you have to be willing to give up the fork” – sooo true. “Beauty is like love, and love is positivity, which is also like compassion but not like negativity because negativity is like sadness, just as the table is like the chair but not like the television, and the cherry is like the cake, and not like the pie”. And, finally, “flowers are just like people. They all die unless you put them in the freezer”.

But, when we shared our quotes with other people, and did not get the positive reaction we anticipated, we decided it was best to plagiarize other peoples quotes, just like Miranda, such as:

“The Trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt” Bertand Russell

“Beauty without expression is boring” Ralph Wardo Emerson

“It is amazing how complete is the delusion that beauty is goodness” Leo Tolstoy

Ah…awkward Miranda, you shouldn’t have told us to go and find our own quotes! Now we’ve found ones which make you, and your ‘book’, look rather silly.

To take issue with Miranda Kerr more broadly, if she has a girl-next-door look (as frequently referred to by the modelling industry), the world is surely doomed. Our next door neighbour is an old Croatian woman who stole our cat. She brings cake to our door regularly and we think its because she likes Dad because he mows her lawn. She hardly speaks English, but still makes far more sense than Miranda Kerr. She has a girl-next-door look, Miranda Kerr has more of a Victoria’s Secret runway model look. But if she was our next door neighbour we would grow Amorphophallus’ in our front yard and hiss at her as she practiced yoga on her front lawn. Our dog also may or may not wee in her garden called Earth.

One final point. You may know that Miranda Kerr is in fact the only person in Australia to have ever had a baby. But we thought we’d also let you in on a fun fact: she craved oranges during pregnancy…ORANGES. Our mum craved chocolate milkshakes. Her friend craved chalk. And we’re not even pregnant and we crave chocolate waffles. The world is ending when pregnant women crave oranges. You have ONE opportunity to get away with being fat and say its “baby weight” and you eat oranges. WOW.

And so the model says, “It’s not the way we look on the outside that matters, it’s the way we feel on the inside that counts.”

Sorry…just went away and vomited. 

But, ahh, that’d be nice, if you hadn’t made your fortune, and been given the opportunity to write this book, purely on the basis that you are an incredibly good looking lingerie model. But one thing tells us that we have even more to fear than cringeworthy quotes and Miranda Kerr as our new next door neighbour…because if people are referring to ‘Treasure Yourself’ as her “debut book”..oh God..that means…

…there’s more…

and if there’s more…and the garden of Earth suffered so much from the first ‘book’…the world is definitely ending on the 21st of December. 

#19: Ashy Bines Bikini Body Challenge!

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The ancient Greeks had Zeus, the Romans had Jupiter, the Egyptians had Ra, the Persians had Ahura Mazda, and in 2012, we have Ashy Bines. Just as Zeus turned Chelone into a tortoise, Ashy Bines has the power to inspire the ultimate transformation: normal sized woman into hot, skinny bikini babe!

Eugh, this female god SUCKS. And her superpower is crap.

For those of you who haven’t heard of Ashy Bines (lucky you) she is a 24 year old personal trainer from the Gold Coast who loves educating women on how to live a healthy, happy, active lifestyle. She has almost 400, 000 ‘likes’ on Facebook (more than the population of Iceland), and even if you don’t ‘like’ her on Facebook, before and after photos of women who have undergone her 12 week challenge pop up unwanted on your newsfeed. It’s like The Voice, or that terrible Lara Bingle show, or watching a couple have an awkward fight in public…it’s so bad but you just can’t look away.

Our first problem with Ashy Bines (besides the fact her name is ‘Ashy’…’Bines’, what kind of name is that? How can she expect us to take her seriously? And if her name is actually ‘Ashley’ why did she feel the need to shorten an already short name?) (oh, and, she uses THIRTEEN exclamation marks in her introduction on her website, chill out) is that she has absolutely no qualifications whatsoever to be an authority figure on nutrition, psychological wellbeing or health. Contrary to what we appear to believe in 2012, being a bikini model does NOT make you a beacon of knowledge about everything, or an expert on life. One serious bias we need to overcome, is the belief that individuals who appear to be fit, healthy and attractive, know more about life than we do. One of us (Castor) has compeleted three years of study in Psychology, but is obviously not qualified to give mental health advice or treatment for another three. Castor feels a bit silly now, because it turns out that all she needed to do was dispense wise cliches such as “toxic thoughts are worse than toxic foods”. If this is the case, then why is Ashy marketing a diet plan, and not referring people to clinical psychologists? When coming across Ashy Bines’ blog (for purely research purposes) we came across the post named “toxic thoughts are worse than toxic food” where clever Ashy argues “It is true. So STOP NOW. Ignore your negative mind that brings you down every day.” …um ok. It’s in capitals as to be important and forceful. Is “negative mind” a technical biological term? If Ashy knows the answers, why do people spend years of their lives studying and researching psychology in order to investigate how to change people’s thoughts and behaviour? Three years of my life wasted…I should just become a bikini model.

What is incredible is that Ashy is an expert not only in nutrition, health, life coaching and psychology, but also chemistry! She should win a Nobel Prize! It was whilst reading her blog that we came across the following passage – please bear with us, it is long but we PROMISE it is worth it:

“I once read an article about a man who was conducting an experiment looking at the crystalline structure of water molecules. He had two separate jars of water from the same tap. Every morning he would say positive, caring, loving and beautiful things to one of them. And the other jar he would say nasty, hateful, negative words to. After a while he looked at the structures under a microscope. The water he said awful things to hardly grew and looked very miserable and dark. The other water structure showed a perfect, bright, glowing crystal formation. How is that for evidence that the way we speak to ourselves on the inside is reflected in our outer appearance!  Remember our body is made up of 75% water …. So think about THAT!!!!”

Okay, we will think about THAT!

Oh. my. God. That did not happen. Where did she find this? Can she even read? She certainly can’t write. After looking up the study Ashy is referring to, we were disappointed, and obviously shocked, to discover that it was not scientifically valid. To be honest, we had some reservations to start with when reading Ashy’s recount of the experiment, such as: Does water speak English? Does Ashy Bines know what the crystalline structure of water molecules are? What scientific journal did she read this in – Cosmo is not peer reviewed. Can water even grow? Were ethical guidelines adhered to? What sort of psychological help was offered to the water that was miserable and dark after the experiment? If water can react to what we say, why can’t we just tell it what to do instead of going to complex lengths of boiling it and freezing it? It turns out the study did not adhere to the scientific method, that is, it was not empirical and measurable, i.e: credible. It was actually submitted more for the purposes of photography, and was never peer reviewed, but that doesn’t matter. Ashy looks good in a bikini, and if Ashy looks good in a bikini, people can talk to water. CAPISH.

Just as our bodies are made up of 75% water (Ashy said it so it MUST be true), Ashy’s boobies are made up of 75% silicon. Sorry, that was a bit of a punch in her (incredibly toned and defined) gut. It’s not Ashy Bines personally that we have a probl…wait, yes it is Ashy Bines that we have a problem with. She advertises that for $49.95 a month, we can look just like her in a bikini, but to our knowledge, this does not include a boob job, or a spray tan. For $49.95 a month you could sponsor seven children…and lose weight on your own, because, you know, Ashy keeps telling us that really “In the end it’s YOUR choice!!” bla bla bla rarara bla.

Another problem with Ashy Bines is that she is a proponent of toxic thoughts that I didn’t even have before I went on her Facebook page. How about: “What’s my secret? OH it’s this awesome new diet pill called get the fuck up, and work your motherfucking ass off, bitch”. OUCH. Why is she being so mean? Why is she calling me a bitch? I didn’t ask what your secret was 😦 If I’m sitting on the computer looking at your facebook page I can guarantee I’m a) not exercising, b) in fat clothes and c) eating and/or thinking about Maltesers. And now I feel bad and fat and guilty. And when I feel guilty I eat more Maltesers and don’t feel like going to the gym. So congratulations, your page has done the complete OPPOSITE to what you claim it’s going to do. Toxic thoughts, in our (unqualified) opinion, are thinking about the physical appearance of your body every minute of every day. We are not sold a diet we are sold a feeling; the promise that every aspect of our lives will improve and we will finally be happy. So what happens after those 12 weeks? You look like Ashy (heaven forbid)? Probably not, unless you have a spray tan, bleached hair, a boob job and who knows what else.

Example of toxic thought #2: “Here’s a weight loss tip you can pin…There are no secrets. Stop eating garbage and get off your ass”. Again with the language. Wait a minute, if there are no secrets, why are we paying you? We, and the morbidly obese, already knew that, so we didn’t need your “tip”. But try doing a uni degree, or earning an income, or dealing with negative life issues like depression and anxiety, the death of a loved one, economic disadvantage, social stress, discrimination, or disability, and then tell us to get off our ASS to our FACE (bitch). And Ashy, you can be very…patronizing.

We don’t usually use cliches but considering Ashy is allowed use them in ways that don’t make sense, we thought we were entitled to one: HAPPINESS DOESN’T COME FROM THE OUTSIDE. Today, primary school teachers are taught that children need intrinsic motivation (e.g. Wanting to feel good about themselves) rather than extrinsic reward (e.g getting a gold star). But Ashy didn’t go to primary school. So she thinks that yelling at people in capital letters, posting pictures of her own hot body, and before and after photos of other peoples bodies, will make people think “Oh my God…I want a hot bikini body! I’ll spend money I don’t have on Ashy’s diet plan, and in 12 weeks, I will finally be happy”. But there are 2 problems with this. 1) When/if you achieve slenderness, you are still not happy. Because the low self-esteem is the problem, not your love handles. 2) At some point you will realise that there are more important things than how you look in a bikini the three times a year you go to the beach. Like, I don’t know, compassion, or relationships, or your ideas?

BUT…

If Ashy looks good in a bikini, decades of research is wrong, and all we need is for other people to tell us we look good in order to achieve self esteem. This must be true, she really does look very nice in a bikini.

As much as we’d like to blame Ashy for everything, the transformation motif predates her very short existence. Since Cinderella, we have loved the idea of rags to riches, or, more recently, ugly, fatty boombalada to totes hawt betch. However, the difference is that Cinderella did not write in to Ashy saying “Hey Asshhyy! All my life I’ve been abused by my stepmother and stepsisters, and I ate to numb the pain. When I heard about the Ball I knew I had to do your 12 week challenge, and, as expected, I found the man of my dreams! He is LITERALLY my Prince Charming! I was so skinny my shoes kept falling off and I hallucinated a fairy godmother LOLZ! Thanks babes xxx Cindi”, with replies such as: evilstepmutha21: “still chubby hun got a while to go”, and stepsistaz4lyf12: “too skinny babe..you look gross…chicks need a bit of meat”. Look, niether of us have any idea what we just said in the past two minutes of writing or how it relates to ANYTHING but we thought evilstepmutha was funny so we’re going to leave it…we apologise.

There is only one truth to the Ashy Bines, omniscient god, expert on everything, bikini model/chemistry professor, phenomenon: If Ashy looks good in a bikini, Ashy looks good in a bikini. CAPISH (Castor keeps saying that today…don’t know why…to my knowledge she’s not Italian). If Ashy looks good in a bikini she is NOT qualified to give us life advice, and obviously not qualified to give us a recount of recent research in chemistry. Ashy’s appearance in a bikini probably isn’t even good evidence that she can give anyone else advice on how to look good in a bikini, as demonstrated by her aggressive and frankly rude strategies to get me off my couch….

So here’s a tip you can pin (no idea what that means..pin where?): The world is going to end shortly, and you just spent the last 12 weeks on a diet! HAH!

#20: Fifty Shades of Grey

fifty-shades-of-grey

It is rather tragic to think that with the end of the world fast approaching, we will lose centuries of insightful, challenging and extraordinary literature. Incredible books have the power to change the way we think – especially when we consider quotes like:

Harper Lee, ‘To Kill a Mockingbird’, “You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view…until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it.” – a compelling way to represent empathy.

Victor Hugo, ‘The Hunchback of Notre Dame’, “A one-eyed man is much more incomplete than a blind man, for he knows what it is that’s lacking.” – an insightful idea about how the more we have the more we want, an extension of the “ignorance is bliss” notion.

Jane Austen, ‘Emma’, “Perhaps it is our imperfections that make us so perfect for one another!” – a beautiful way of reminding readers (me) that we can be loved, not in spite of, but because of our frog hands/shrek feet/rat head/lack of 5 inch box gap. And THAT is the most romantic sort of love.

And our all time favourite:

Virginia Woolf “Women have served all these centuries as looking glasses, possessing the power of reflecting the figure of man at twice their natural size.” Ah, in the early 20th century it seems humanity finally understood the domination of man and the consequent subordination of women – what a pivotal moment.

Oh wait.

E. L. James, ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’, “Boy I sound angry. I am angry.”….wait. What?

“I’m hungry” Anastasia says, “Hungry for what” Christian replies, “Hungry for food” grins Anastasia. Ah, such an insight into….nup we got nothing.

One more try, one that doesn’t contain only monosyllabic words “I had no idea giving pleasure could be such a turn on, watching him writhe subtly with carnal longing. My inner goddess is doing the merengue with some salsa moves.”*

*Note: Her inner goddess is different from her subconscious.

**Note: After three books, still no idea what either of these are referring to. Possibly schizophrenic tendencies sustained through the intense assault she experiences throughout the trilogy. This is just speculation.

Just to make it clear, it is 2012, and women have fought against violence, for the vote, for equal pay, for the recognition of rape within marriage, for an education, to be leaders, and funnily enough (uh oh), to be writers. But, on page 168 of Fifty Shades of Grey, E.L. James recounts a contract between her two lovers:

“The dominant (Christian Grey) accepts the submissive (Anastasia Steele) as his, to own, control, dominate and discipline. The dominant may use the submissive’s body at any time he deems fit, sexually or otherwise. The dominant may discipline the submissive as necessary to ensure the submissive fully appreciates her role of subservience….” ok i think that’s enough. Since nothing in her book appears to be original, we speculate that this is probably drawn from a combination of a draft of slavery and some aspects of the sex trade.

But in Anastasia’s defence, she DID have some reservations to start with. Complete subordination, subservience, oppression, humiliation, degradation, and being treated worse than an animal, however, were not amongst them. It was more about the fisting because it might hurt. She didn’t have a problem with being gagged or bound (she finds these pretty hot really). So embarrassment is obviously not a feeling she is well acquainted with. That’s cool, pretty comfortable in her own body you might say. That’s errr…feminist? BUT NO, when the elusive Mr. Grey asks her when she’s got her period “Did you take your pill? Do you have cramps?” Anastasia replies “Yes” and reflects “How mortifying is this!” Hehe..he’s asking about my period! How gross!

Um…seriously. How mortifying is a butt plug.

We decided it would be a good social experiment to consider how we would respond to the contract outlined in Fifty Shades of Grey by Christian to Anastasia. This was the response:

“Why the fuck are you handing me a contract? How do you have my address? If you like me why do I need to sign anything? Why don’t you need to sign anything? When did you have time to put this together? Don’t you run a multi-million dollar business? This cannot seriously be a legally binding contract…if I showed this to anyone you would be convicted of sexual assault. Why do I need to be trained? Why is this so complicated? Why so many clauses? Why is this so impersonal? Why is my name not used? I don’t understand why you need to control my lifestyle and diet and health I just don’t get it, it doesn’t sound that fun. What about if I don’t want to hang out? What if I want to sit on my lounge with my dog and eat M&M’s? Where did you get this equipment? How can something so stupid be so official? Oh my God, is this a joke. This is actually the funniest thing I have ever seen. You’re not laughing. You’re looking kind of violent. I think I’ll just look for a new boyfriend who is not abusive and takes me to the movies and stuff…um okay.”

But instead Anastasia reflects on all the minor details and then second guesses – “Why am I even thinking about this?”. And the answer is – because, Anastasia, you’re a complete idiot. Evidenced by comments such as “my inner goddess bounces up and down like a small child waiting for ice cream”, and to Mr. Grey, “you have power over me. You know you do”. Well…you seriously considered signing a lengthy contract which explicitly delineated his power over you so don’t get all upset about it. Her safeword is popsicle. She refers to her vagina as “down there”. She constantly murmurs and obsessively bites her lip (a murmur is a soft, indistinct sound. Maybe a metaphor for how Anastasia is a soft, indistinct human being). She’s pathologically scared of being in trouble. This is the behaviour of a five year old. This woman does not have the mental capacity to sign a legally binding contract.

Problem #1000 with the book, is that Christian and Anastasia do not have a conversation about anything other than their relationship at that precise moment in time. Neither of them make a joke. Neither of them ever say anything interesting. Anastasia has absolutely no personality – except for falling over, being clumsy, helpless and stupid. Sometimes she doesn’t do what Christian tells her but then it gets her into all kinds of trouble and it turns out he was right. Silly Anastasia. When Christian describes her as “the most fascinating woman I know” the book ceases to make any sense, and it ultimately becomes clear that if this is now THE most popular book of all time, we are doomed, THANK GOD.

The problem extends beyond the book. The secondary issue is the women who defend the book, saying that these are primitive instincts and that despite all this annoying liberation stuff, women most of all desire to be dominated. For some reason there is a tendency to understand sexual desire as innate and natural, when in fact, it is just as socialised and learnt as the rest of our personal preferences. We didn’t pop out of the womb wearing a pair of heels (that would have hurt Mummy’s birth canal), applying a face of make up, wearing a Victoria’s Secret bra and shaving our legs, but they are currently part of our social existence. Females don’t find Fifty Shades of Grey to be erotic and sexy because it is speaking to some bloody carnal desire. People find it erotic because from the moment we popped out of that womb, we have learnt that in order to be sexually desirable we must be passive, vulnerable, and helpless. Sex is taught to us as an act performed by men onto women, so we learn to see being dominated as sexy, only because it is the only context in which we can be sexy. Hehe..sexy.

So, we know the world is ending when the highest selling book of all time has no storyline, is terribly written, has two main characters who have severe undiagnosed psychological disorders (my guess is psychopathy – Christian, and schizophrenia – Anastasia…who is this inner goddess :s), is full of expressions like ‘ah, crap!’, or in a particularly dramatic event ‘ah, double crap!’, uses the word subconscious in a completely illegitimate context, and takes approximately 3 pages for Anastasia to work out exactly what she is thinking, which then changes.

When zombie-aliens arrive on planet earth in just under three weeks, the piece of text they are most likely to find in the rubble of our deteriorated cities, is one where the page they turn to may well read: “My fingers are pruny”…”We should really get out of this shower”. They will laugh at how we wasted precious resources. Ah, double crap!

“LATERS, BABY” (infantilising language)

Our response: “Eugh, I’m not a baby I’m a fully grown woman with thoughts and feelings. I told you I wasn’t going to sign your stupid contract. If you approach me again I WILL call the police. You need to seek more intense psychological treatment than this Dr. Flynn character who discloses your clinical history to your girlfriend which is against the law…..Laters, dickhead!”

#21: Box Gap

 

 

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Ahem: More people ‘like’ the group ‘Box Gap’ on Facebook than the population of Tonga. In fact, more people ‘like’ it than the groups ‘Sekai Holland’ (winner of the Sydney Peace Prize 2012), ‘The Civil Rights Movement’ (fairly important), and ‘Feminism’ (fairly ironic) combined. 

115 000 people ‘like’ ‘Box Gap’. 

A box gap can be defined as “The gap between a woman’s thighs directly below the vagina, often diamond shaped when the thighs are together. Also called a thigh gap.” Urban Dictionary, luckily, also includes an example of the usage of the term ‘Box Gap’, probably because the individuals most likely to use it are bound to be complete idiots, with: “Man, that chick has a hot box gap” (I can guarantee that the guy who says this doesn’t have a girlfriend, and is a creepy pervert with an excessive amount of fat between his legs, but a very impressive gap between his ears).

This whole Box Gap debacle is problematic for mankind for a few reasons. Most simplistically, 115 000 people are literally making the effort to click a button to like…nothing. It’s a gap. There’s nothing there. Yay! The most admired part of my body is a part that doesn’t exist. Not my eyes or my mind or even my little toe, but the nothingness between my thighs. So much to live up to! I mean as a civilisation, over the past two million years, we haven’t really liked/respected/valued women much, but explicitly saying that our favourite part of them is something that doesn’t exist? Well now, that is not very nice. 

Secondly, the ideal female figure is already not functional. If we had the proportions of Barbie (Man, now THAT chick has a hot box gap) we would have chronic diarrhoea and serious internal injuries from the weight of our abnormally large breasts, and a waist so tiny that we would have to compromise on just a few necessary organs (like kidneys or a liver!) BUT……we would have the sickest Box Gap. Like we’re talking, posting a photo on the page, getting 300 ‘likes’, and comments such as “Now that is nice my cock will fit just wright” <——- (no, thats actually a direct quote go look it up). No wonder Martin doesn’t ‘like’ the Civil Rights Movement, he can’t spell it, the poor thing. The Civil Wrights Movement probably has 116,000 ‘likes’, we’ll take back our judgmental attitude – they know wright from wrong. Clever boys. 

Thirdly, I was already self conscious about: my height, my weight, my hair colour, my skin colour, my bust, my complexion, my body hair, my muscle definition, my tummy, my bum, my freckles, my hips (generally any sign that I’m a woman and not a pre-pubescent girl), and now, my box gap. This is the last thing they could possibly bring up; hence, the end of the world. 

And wait no, it’s not just the fundamental presence or absence of a box gap that makes you sexually desirable (every woman’s only ambition in life), but there are standards of box gap quality. You can have a wide, heart, diamond, missile, silver OR complete gap. It can also be measured, so a five inch gap is like, totally, the ultimate. But don’t try too hard or they will start calling you a “bag of bones” and demanding you get some “meat on that gap!” but at least they give constructive criticism “do squats for six months and then re-post”. SO grateful for that advice, in six months I will be everything I ever wanted to be. 

It has been suggested by psychologists that one of the reasons rates of Depression increase more in girls than in boys as they grow into adolescence, is because the female body uncontrollably develops further away from the ideal: hips, fat on the stomach and thighs, whereas the male body grows towards what males ideally aspire to be: muscular, tall, broad shoulders, facial hair.  Uh oh, so what happens when what men are socialised to desire is actually unnatural, or completely contrary to the norm? BOOM: end of the world. 

What’s pretty funny though is the fact that one of the reasons women tend to live longer than men, is because of that fantastic fat we carry around these areas. It has been found that people with big thighs have a lower risk of heart disease and premature death than those with thin thighs. A certain amount of fat at the very top of the thigh (which is absent when a “chick has a hot box gap”) is the most protective factor. So as much as we’d like to throw around the terms ‘sexualised’, ‘objectified’, ‘commodified’, ‘misogynistic’, ‘subordination’, ‘victimisation’, and talk about the implications these have for ‘violence’, and ‘deeply ingrained oppression’, ’til this blog gives us no more space to write, we are choosing to simply acknowledge that the aspiration and admiration for box gap could be responsible for our impending doom. 

SO when more people ‘like’ the photo above than ‘like’ Sekai Holland, who advocates peace in Zimbabwe and has been a vital proponent in ending apartheid in South Africa, and fighting for women’s rights and democracy, it seems the world is out of balance. The more we look into that mystifying nothingness between a woman’s legs, and define half the population in terms of their box gap or lack there of, the more we are calling them just that: nothing. So we personally would welcome those alien-zombies with open arms into planet earth, and we’re sure they would laugh (or their species equivalent) at the total crap we worship. 

 

*Note: Sekai Holland does not have a box gap. Maybe if she did she’d get more likes. 

21 Reasons Why the World is Ending on the 21st of December 2012

We know social media makes everyone feel like they are at the centre of the universe…but we’re about to burst your bubble, because it turns out that we are.

In Greek mythology, twins were either an omen or a blessing. They were divine, and therefore were met with great superstition. Enemies or close companions, twins represented the dualistic forces of the universe; day and night, summer and winter, fire and water, good and Alan Jones, Delta Goodrem and sincerity, Lara Bingle and a legitimate career path, that sort of thing. In Roman myth, Romulus and Remus were suckled by a she-wolf (same) and went on to establish the greatest city of the ancient world. And by that we mean Romulus killed Remus because they couldn’t agree on the best mountain (story of my life) for the city – hence the city of Rome. While there are things we can’t agree on (E.g: Weet Bix fight circa. 1993. Tables were thrown, Weet Bix were not evenly distributed), we normally resolve the big issues without resorting to murder. Castor and Pollux, then, seem like a more appropriate twin analogy, and its nice because one of them was divine, given that Zeus was his father. But our father is not divine – he is balding, gets angry when we leave the lights on and watches Star Trek. Aside from that, we find Castor and Pollux pertinent because, although they are depicted with (rather large) penises, making us different from them in one obvious sense, they always intervened at times of crisis. And here, 21 days before the end of the world, we too are in a time of crisis. (DUNN DUN DUNNNNNNN)

We were born on the 21st of the 12th at 2pm 20 minutes apart to a mother (she-wolf) who was born on the 21st of the 10th. There were 2 of us. 2 years later we had 2 twin brothers born 1 minute apart on the 20th. We lived at house number 22, before we moved to house number 21, with the post code 2114. And, of course, the world is predicted to end on the 21st of the 12th 2012, our 22nd birthday, sux 😦:(. Our dog also weighs the equivalent of 2 dogs, we have 2 brains, as well as 2 arms, 2 legs, and 2 eyes EACH…

So, from this extensive body of evidence, one thing seems inarguably clear: the world is ending on the 21st of the 12th, and it is partly, if not entirely, our presence in the universe that is responsible. If you had plans – you should cancel. And don’t save for anything – but do use your credit card as much as possible*.

*Note: This is not official financial advice.

We thought that considering it was our divine birth (Jessie got her elbow stuck) which is the omen for the world ending, we should at least provide 21 reasons why it is, in the 21 days before it does. So you can’t say we didn’t warn you. And for those of you sitting there thinking ‘pfft the world isn’t ending’…lets place bets…we’ll collect the money.

So every day for the next 21 days we will be writing about the many reasons why the world is ending. I’m sure by scrolling down your newsfeed on Facebook or by watching ‘A Current Affair’ you can come up with at least 10 reasons, if not 10 people, who make it clear 1) that the world is ending and 2) that it might not be such a bad thing.

What has happened since the inception of social media, is that idiots speak whilst those who have something important to say are instincitively silent, because intelligence, in its truest form, is modest. If this keeps happening, our media will cease to be valuable, and instead will just be a plethora of confident people’s opinions, which are unfounded, unjustified and unchallenged. If we read “Live every daii lyk itz ur last”, with 54 ‘likes’ ONE more time we vow to end the universe OURSELVES. This mindset is literally what is killing us as a species. Have fun dying from high cholesterol from living every day like it was your last (You had McDonalds every day didn’t you? DIDN’T YOU?), without a degree, without a job and with 21 children. Good saying though. Means a lot.

Considering there are only 21 days left of this universe – we thought this was the time to share what we think.

At best we could give some valuable advice to the alien-zombies who inherit our planet after us, and prove that our civilisation was more than bad tweets, statuses that literally don’t make sense, and instagram photos of people’s lunch. # yolo

At worst we could offend everyone and if the world does continue to exist, we’ll be hated for being so cynical about it.