In order to know for sure that the world is ending, all we need to do is listen to the people around us…because they’re idiots. People on the train: Idiots. People on Facebook: Bigger idiots. Customers at work: Annoying idiots. Personal trainers at the gym: Mean idiots. People in the media: Over confident idiots. People in politics: Powerful idiots. There are many of you who are not idiots. You’re probably not an idiot if you’re reading this. Give yourself a pat on the back. Good for you. But unfortunately, its too late. The war has been lost. We can’t quite pin point the exact historical moment that idiots prevailed, but it was somewhere among George Bush’s Presidency, the inception of ‘The Bachelor’ (man having 20 women vie for his affection…seriously? That is extremely degrading), ‘Geordie Shore’, the snuggie (Just get a blanket…get off your bum and…get a blanket. Or put on a jumper…IT NEVER EVEN GETS COLD HERE. #firstworldproblems) and the show ‘Embarassing Bodies’, which is possibly Pollux’ favourite show in the world, HOWEVER, it doesn’t make sense why someone TOO EMBARRASSED to see their local GP, seeks help from the Embarrassing Bodies Clinic, infront of an INTERNATIONAL AUDIENCE. And as for the ‘don’t be ashamed we’re all the same’ tag line…let us assure you that we have never had a bent penis, buried penis syndrome, a bladder fall out of our vagina, a rotting armpit, a hairy chest, acne on the top of our head or haemorrhoid’s (at all) let alone haemorrhoids that look like golf balls.
That sucks ^^^
But more importantly, if we did have any of these ailments, we would get it sorted in PRIVATE and refrain from having our body parts shown on TV. How do these people ever find a partner? Don’t people say “Hey! Aren’t you the guy from Embarrassing Bodies who thought you had a leaky butthole, but then it just turned out you didn’t wipe your bum properly??” No..no..I will not go out with you. In fact, I think I’ll sit away from you. I can’t stop thinking about your butthole.
Anyway..we thought it would be a genuine tragedy for all their idiocy to be lost, when we are taken over by zombie aliens in just a few short (<—-idiot phrase) days (days tend to be the same length. What happens if one day we have like a 20 hour day, and it’s amazing, and needs to be communicated, how do we describe it? Idiots will just nod and smile and say ‘ahh yes..one of those short days’. EUGH) So we thought we would compile a list of the most idiotic things people say so zombie aliens can remember stupid people for what they really are…people who don’t make any sense, whatsoever.
“Hello, ladies and gentlemen”…hhheyyyyy. Implicit. If we’re sitting in the room, and you say “hello” with a microphone, we know you’re talking to us. In the first few seconds of introducing yourself to us, you find it necessary to identify us in terms of our genitals. The people in the room really aren’t that…close. It’s like saying “Hello, smokers and non-smokers”, or “Hello, labour voters and liberals”, or “Hello, Christians and Muslims”, or “Hello, healthy and sick”. In future, “hello” will suffice. Thunx. On a related note, don’t like “ladies”. Nup. Really don’t like it. “Hello, ladies”. It makes us feel like we should be wearing God damn panty loins (whatever they are), gloves to our elbows, sipping tea from fine china, and acting in a passive/docile way, such as to not offend or challenge anyone, which most likely, we’re not. So don’t call me “lady”, and don’t welcome “ladies and gentleman”, we’re all just humans, lets get with the program. We can tell it’s an expression you use to fill up time because you’re not talented enough to truly be entertaining.
“I’m not gonna lie…”…well, we hope not. Why do you have to preface what you are about to say with that? Were you lying before? And we also don’t care THAT much whether you’re lying. We’re probably only half listening because you also happen to be the type of person who says boring/idiotic things a lot. I probably lied. I lied when I said “oh wow…thats interesting!”, or “nice to meet you”. It wasn’t.
“These days”…compared to???? That other era you were a part of? Of course the exclusion to this is our grandparents/ parents generation. We (Pollux in particular) have a physical reaction to this phrase. It is SO DUMB. “These days”..what..WHAT? What about “these days”?? “These days everyone’s violent”. Wow. That’s a general statement. It doesn’t really take into account cultural or class or economic differences, or the fact that you haven’t actually witnessed another “day” in the context you are using the word. We would say we’re not violent, but we’re literally about to punch you in the face. The phrase becomes more frustrating the younger you are. “These days bloody * insert ethnic/religious/cultural minority * are taking over. It’s unAustralian”. YOU HAVE NO OTHER DAYS TO COMPARE IT TO YOU HAVE BEEN ALIVE FOR LIKE TWO DECADES. And you don’t mean “these days” you mean…”today”. You know absolutely nothing about the past so don’t go drawing comparisons. And WHO is taking over?? The Chinese? Who have been here since the Gold Rush, probably longer than your family? Or Muslims? Who have been in this country for most of this century and some of whom are seeking REFUGE from war torn countries you insensitive, racist, idiot. Oh and NONE of whom you have the right to judge…you bogan.
“Murphy’s Law”: Okay, so it is not so much the phrase, but how people use it that really grinds our gears. Pollux loves a good “Murphy’s Law” reference when appropriate – but Castor firmly believes that it gets used more in offices than any other work place, where people have MORE TIME to draw constant links between what is occuring and the concept of Murphy’s Law. Sometimes it is like a race to see who can reference Murphy’s Law first…and its like people are angry at the world…or Murphy for inventing the law…not sure which. So it rains. And Mr/Mrs. Office person says “rarara waa waa I brought my umbrella to work everyday for the past month and I only removed it from my car this morning! And now it is raining! Murphy’s Law” *chuckles proudly*. # Firstworldproblems Okay…guarantee that part of that story is not true. And…even if it is. You got wet. Shit happens. Move on. Why are we talking about it? It is raining for EVERYONE ELSE TOO you know. Murphy wasn’t like “oh just to spite Mr/Mrs. Office person I will make it rain today hehe”. The world does not revolve around you and your use of the phrase Murphy’s Law. Deal. With. It. When Murphy’s Law doesn’t occur you’re not like “Oh I’ve had my umbrella in my car for a month and today I got to use it…so…quite handy infact…not Murphy’s Law at all really”. It is just another example of how our society hates on everything and needs to stop being so bloody negative. (Irony: We’re whinging about annoying things people say)
“FOMO”. (Fear Of Missing Out) This is dedicated to a very intelligent, and dear friend of ours, who once used this phrase, much to our dismay. She also happens to be a friend who got a physical injury at debating in our preparation time (C&P: “We’re one man down!”, S: “Go on with out me”). She was fine in the end. I mean we knew debating was mentally and physically demanding, but we didn’t think…anyway. She didn’t mean any harm by “FOMO”, and she was shut down quickly, but we want to warn future users of the potential implications of using “FOMO” in a sentence.You WILL miss out. Listen carefully: You WILL definitely miss out MORE on whatever it is you fear missing out on, if you use this phrase. We will not invite you to those things of which you fear missing, if you actually say “I’ve got the biggest FOMO at the moment”, or when you were going to not do something (I.e: go to a party, because you had an assignment to do) and then you think you should go and say “nah I’ll go to the party, massive FOMO”, don’t bother. You are no longer invited to the party. And p.s: after studying psychology, Castor can confirm that ‘fear of missing out’ is currently NOT listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.
You know what you should have a fear of missing out on? The rest of your life, which you will, because the world is ending on Friday. And you contributed to it. All of you. With the things that you say. Why did you say that? Why? Why, Ron, why?… You come out with stink like that. Poop! You poop mouth. Get all that poop out of your mouth.