#12: That most men (and some women) don’t find women funny

Hitchens-image

Reason number 12 is very close to the hearts of these two mythological twins, who were born on the 21st of the 12th and are counting down the 21 reasons why the world is about to end, in the final weeks of 2012.

The funny thing about being funny, is that it is really hard to be funny when the person/people you are speaking to ALREADY don’t think you’re funny. We have heard on numerous occassions, men, who we would not ordinarily consider sexist, say quite flippantly “females aren’t funny…I’ve never really laughed at something a girl has said” or “their (women’s) humour is just different, everyone gets male humour…” or a certain friend of ours, whom we will give the pseudonym Heracles, often interrupts a story half way through and says “wait…is this actually going to be funny?” at which point the answer immediately becomes no, this will no longer be funny, because now there is PRESSURE to impress you and I’ve lost my confidence…and I feel awkward and you already doubted it was going to be funny and it’s a self fulfilling prophecy. Seriously, go up to the next person you see, get them to look at you with confusion/disdain/in an unimpressed way/sprinkled with a bit of hatred, and try to make them laugh. Nup, not gonna happen. So, if laughter makes the world go ’round, it is surely ending soon. Because laughing becomes harder when we decide that half the population aren’t funny. To laugh at someone, is to give them a little bit of power, and we don’t think some men are quite willing to hand that over. But it’s been a long time coming.

Aristotle in three hundred and something BC said “the male is by nature superior, and the female inferior; and the one rules, and the other is ruled”….what even IS nature? When in doubt, people have this weird tendency to appeal to “what is natural”, which conveniently excludes homosexuality, justifies racism, and prevents any form of female power. It’s also a stupid argument because you’re stating that something is the way it is, because, well…it is the way it is. Women are inferior because women are inferior, which is therefore natural. Because it is natural, women are inferior. Aha! What a compelling argument.

Charles Darwin said in the 19th century “The chief distinction in the intellectual powers of the two sexes is shewn by man’s attaining to a higher eminence, in whatever he takes up, than can woman- whether requiring deep thought, reason, or imagination, or merely the use of the senses and hands”. Isn’t this the guy who came up with the theory of evolution? Isn’t it ironic that he has not evolved AT ALL since Aristotle?? (SEE we don’t have penis’ and we still made a joke 🙂 ) And he spelt ‘shown’ wrong hehe.

And in 2007 Christopher Hitchens said “For women, reproduction is, if not the only thing, certainly the main thing.” Ahhh, yes…

Wait. Wait. What?

If in over 2400 years, of which every year has included funny, smart, strong and successful women, we have not been able to develop into a culture who will acknowledge that women are more than just walking, talking VAGINAS, we have absolutely no hope after 2012. Because, unfortunately, women have looked at themselves in the mirror, realised that they may, in fact, be more than just a big womb, and decided to act upon this epiphany. The same way we look at men and see more than just a penis (which is also a reproductive organ? As much so as the vagina?? Which no one seems to acknowledge…why is reproduction always considered a female domain?), except for Hitchens, who likely saw a very large penis right in the middle of his forehead when he looked in the mirror. Maybe that’s why he is so…mean.

In attempting to explain (no need to explain something that’s not true) why women aren’t funny, Hitchens praises men’s humour and argues that women “bless their tender hearts, would prefer that life be fair, and even sweet, rather than the sordid mess it actually is.” Um, firstly, don’t bless our hearts, you’re not God. And secondly, when was the survey of all women in the world conducted? Because Castor and Pollux were away that day…and every other woman we have met in our…um entire lives. Thirdly, the world is a mess because of people like you Christopher Hitchens, euugh.

The first problem with Hitchens’ argument is that he makes a rookie philosophical error. You can’t just write an article on why women aren’t funny without actually providing ANY evidence and/or argument to prove that they aren’t funny. He just assumes we’re not and then attempts to explain why. This is the dumbest philosophical approach to anything. Hmm we might just write an article on why the sky is red. Well, you see, it’s because it is so close to the sun, and is therefore very hot and red. Also, it is because Mars keeps getting closer to earth and Mars is hot and red. Lastly, the sky is red because when lightening strikes, it starts fires in the sky. Fires are red, so the sky is red. Scientists/all human beings would refute this (very strong, and may we say, convincing) argument, on the basis that ultimately, NONE of the explanations are valid because the premise of the argument isn’t true. The sky isn’t red, just like women ARE funny. (You dickhead)

Another big failure of Hitchens’ article (besides the fact that he literally seems to HATE women), is that it is less funny than Holocaust/dead baby jokes, Two and a Half Men, ‘What to expect when you’re expecting’ (was that movie even trying to be funny..not sure..maybe it wasn’t…sorry), golfers saying “am I seeing double” when they see us both behind the bar, and ‘why did the chicken cross the road’ jokes, combined. And he REALLY tries to be funny. Like he’s stupid little anecdotes: “At the Stanford University School of Medicine (a place, as it happens, where I once underwent an absolutely hilarious procedure with a sigmoidoscope)”. Not funny. We looked up the word ‘sigmoidoscope’. Still not funny. He’s humour is on par with that of boys who THINK they’re wooing us with their sense of humour, when really we’re thinking “oh my god will this guy LEAVE me ALONE he is the MOST ARROGANT person I have ever come across…why won’t he leave me alone…I’m. Not. Laughing”. Examples of this sort of ‘humour’ include:

Yelling out ‘Taxi’ when someone drops a drink: Not funny

Getting kicked/kicking someone else in the balls: Not funny

Quoting lines from movies we haven’t seen: Not funny

Laughing before you’ve even told the punchline of the joke, in order to foreshadow the fact that you think your story is funny: Not funny

The c-word: Not funny

Making fun of us: Not funny

Making fun of other girls in the near vicinity: Not funny

Telling stories about the horrible things you do/say to other women: Not funny

You getting kicked out of the club because we told the bouncer you tried to lick our face: Fucking hilarious. YOU are a funny guy.

We’re not smiling or laughing because you’re actually funny, we’re laughing because it is funny to pretend you are funny.

So anyway, Hitchens essentially asks, “why are men, taken on average and as a whole, funnier than women? Well, for one thing, they had damn well better be”, and then argues that “women have no corresponding need to appeal to men in this way. They already appeal to men, if you catch my drift”. No, we do not catch your drift. 1) Men aren’t funnier than women (evidence: your sigmoidoscope “joke”) 2) What do you mean men had “damn well better be” funny. Is it because women are valued just on their sexual attractiveness, so why would we bother being funny? You might be a sexist pig but that doesn’t mean all men are. 3) Why do Justin Bieber (not particularly funny), One Direction (too young to be funny), and Leonardo DiCaprio (who cares if he’s funny) have women in the palm of their hands? Maybe its because women don’t necessarily ONLY go for funny guys. Male and female attraction is a little more complex than: men go for sexual attractiveness, women go for funniness. Attraction is also a little more complex than: men go for women and women go for men, but that’s way too complicated for Hitchens, so we won’t even go there. 4) The sole aim of our lives, as females, is not just to appeal to men, actually. We also have other goals and dreams and ideas, and jokes too: ‘Why did the chicken cross the road?’…..’To get away from YOU because you’re a wanker’. Hehehe

In debating (the sport of heroes) we use the ‘even if’ rule (omg this is so lame like literally cringing right now, we wrote it was the sport of heroes, we were joking, soo joking. Hehe women made a joke hehe). ANYWAY the ‘even if’ rule means that you accept the (completely wrong) premise/definition of the other teams case, in order to prove that even if they were correct, your argument is still better. We know…it’s pretty cool. So EVEN IF we accepted that women aren’t funny, Hitchens is still wrong, because his reasons why women aren’t funny, are terrible. Like, very bad. Apart from referring to a study with..wait for it.. TWENTY participants (how did they find a room big enough? It’s good that this study can generalize to the entire human population) Hitchens argues that women basically suck at humour because 1) we don’t like ‘filth’. Ok…filth is probably code for sexism. 2) the fact that we have babies makes us serious. (note: babies do not only belong to women…awkward Chris) 3) women are the mainstay of religion….seriously. The Pope, bishops, priests, Rabbi’s, Dalai Llama (s)??..yeah good point, women are the right gender to blame here. 4) nothing is less funny than a woman discussing her child. There’s definitely one thing less funny…and thats Christopher Hitchens.

Okay. So we’ve established that his reasons make absolutely no sense. Here is a better reason:

Men refuse to laugh at women: Just to preface this, we love our dad a lot and think that he is very funny. HOWEVER, he does not ever really laugh at us. Pollux will tell a story such as “Today I was at the station, on my way to uni, and I got counted in the head count for a handicapped excursion. I mean yeah I was offended, but more importantly, where was the missing handicapped kid? Did he/she go to Sydney Uni today while I went on their excursion? Dad are you listening?”, to which Dad will reply “Mmm that’s nice, do you know where Mum is? I’m hungry did mum tell you what’s for dinner?” Um ok. In comparison, our brother Nic….or “Remus” we will call him, comes in and says “Hi Dad” and Dad is slapping his knee with tears running down his cheeks in laughter. Like, that wasn’t funny. Castor will follow up with “Today, I walked past a mirror, and said hi to Pollux. People saw. I think they thought I was crazy.” But Dad is still busy laughing at Remus’ one liner. WHAT THE HELL!? And then Remus grows up thinking he is God’s gift to comedy (he is actually very funny) and Castor and Pollux write a self conscious blog in the middle of the night, thinking that they better give up on the whole ‘being funny’ thing because they’ve not been too successful thus far.

Our aim was to write a blog funnier than Christopher Hitchens’ article (which isn’t hard) on why women aren’t funny, in which he attempted to be funny, but dismally failed, perhaps reflecting the unavoidable truth that the whole premise of his article is factually incorrect…or…if we do accept his premise…that he is a woman. Hopefully then, when zombie aliens find a laptop and browse the web, they will find that women were more than objects of pornography, who hoarded a great deal of beauty products, and took a lot of photos in bikinis (still falls into the category of objects of pornography). Perhaps they will find we had more to offer in the humour department than laughter at mens jokes. And we do. If only people would stop telling us we aren’t funny.

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