#15: Lara Bingle wants to be taken seriously

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The Mayans predicted it, conspiracy theorists write about it, some scientists have supported it, John Cusack starred in a movie about it, the crazy old man at West Ryde hands out a pamphlet about it, but up until a few months ago, we weren’t entirely convinced that the world was ending in 2012. On some idle Monday night (we don’t actually know what day it was, this was months ago for Gods sake), we were sitting at home, watching one of the greatest television shows of this millenium, ‘The Biggest Loser’, when we had one of those earth shattering, life changing moments, where you begin to question everything you thought you knew. As the ad break came on, and we went to get some chocolate from the fridge (standard Biggest Loser ritual, eat what they just had to turn down in temptation hehe) something caught our eye. Three words: “Being Lara Bingle”. Her face…it was everywhere. All different expressions, as if we/ anyone had asked what it was like to be her. Actually ‘Being Lara Bingle’ would have to be most Australian’s worst nightmare. We have nightmares about making very public and embarrassing mistakes, like going to school naked, and Lara Bingle’s life is like that times a million. We came to the realisation that there was, indeed, going to be a show, that had as its subject a (former)… model?, who seemed to have very little to offer to an audience. But, much to our dismay, we were wrong. We only had to get a glimpse of the first episode (for PURELY research purposes) to realise that she had absolutely NOTHING to offer an audience. That was early 2012. And by the end of 2012, there is more to fear than her television show. Now she wants to be taken seriously. In her words, she wants to “stand for something”, to have “depth and substance”, and ultimately, to be “credible”.

  1. The only person who continues to care about and show any interest in Lara Bingle is Lara Bingle.
  2. You can’t just ‘want’ to be credible…
  3. Why doesn’t she just ‘stand for something’ instead of talking about how she wants to stand for something?
  4. People don’t just stand for something because they think that’s a good way to further their career. Most people actually, you know, stand for something.
  5. She has the depth of a puddle and the substance of her stupid vegetable juice diet that niether Hermionie (Her best friend. What kind of real person is named Hermionie?) or herself, remotely understand.

It would be too easy and cheap to write a whole post on Bingle’s recurrent mistakes and possible/probable “retart”ation…(as she spells it), but this blog is not about ripping women to shreds, like most other forms of media. It’s simply about determining the 21 reasons why the world is ending, which is often not about people as individuals, but the values they represent. And Bingle represents the apocalypse of television, the cycle of being famous for being famous, and the way in which choosing to be a bikini model turned cricketers girlfriend turned reality TV star, can sometimes compromise your integrity 😦

In the Good Weekend article published recently which drew attention to Bingle’s plea to be taken seriously, she acknowledges with light hearted humour that sometimes she doesn’t know what she’s famous for! (That’s not that funny, its kind of annoying) The Good Weekend is one of the few remaining reputable media sources…isn’t it? And this is what they came up with. Isn’t there world news? There are 7 billion people in the world, and the Good Weekend has a lengthy story about an insignificant thought that passed through Lara Bingle’s head for a moment. She probably didn’t even mean it. In the space of a year she’s gone from putting on weight as a result of a relationship break up to losing it in incredibly unhealthy ways, from being photographed nude on her balcony (how anyone could get a photograph of her, when her glass windows pretty much serve as a podium to the busiest beach is Australia…is beyond us) to attempting to reignite her modelling career, and now, from having a COLONOSCOPY on her reality television show, where she is filmed sitting on the toilet giggling while she has intense diarrhea, to wanting to be “credible”. Look, in short, the answer is NUP Lara. We take Obama seriously, we take Oprah seriously, we take Germaine Greer seriously, we don’t even like Tony Abbott but we sort of take him seriously, and you know why? Because NOT ONE of them have taken a dump on national television. Oh yeah and they also stand for ideas that don’t involve exposing yourself naked in order to stimulate publicity for a new television show…or HITTING a motocyclist whilst driving with a suspended licence and then fleeing the scene. We bet all of these people would have thought to use this genius, underground, up and coming search engine that some may have heard of ‘Google’ to check whether their famous boyfriend might…I don’t know…be MARRIED with children.

The other thing about people who are taken seriously, is that they tend to rest on things like qualifications, or years of experience, maybe some hard work, selfless endeavours, and often a touch of philanthropy. The funny thing about Lara Bingle is that she attempts to rest on a past of not being taken seriously in order to find a platform upon which, she can be taken seriously. Her only suggestion as to how she might become credible, is by designing a lingerie line, which isn’t a bad business endeavour for someone who appears not to have any underwear.

They say those who stand for nothing, will fall for anything. I think they were talking about Lara Bingle. When interviewed about her weight gain (yes, 6kg, this is newsworthy stuff. Most of us would put this on over Christmas – meh), she seems to see that her being ridiculed by the media might adversely affect young girls, for whom the average size is larger than Bingle. Good point, very true, there we go, starting to stand for something – but clearly not her idea. A great proportion of her show is centered around just how uncomfortable she feels in her “fat” body, the awkwardness of not fitting into clothes, the horror of seeing photos of her cellulite, and that awful feeling you get when you realise how hot you used to be, and how everything’s gone downhill from there. But don’t worry young girls, because your family and friends will love you nonetheless, because what’s truly important is who you are and what you believe in. Quote Lara in an interview, “how is a size 12-14 girl meant to feel?”. I don’t know Lara, why don’t you ask your brother? Quote Josh (whoareyou) Bingle, “No one is going to give the chubbies a chance in a magazine. I mean who wants to look at a big porker?”. He says he’d never go out with a fat girl, but he needn’t worry, because we can’t see any girl, big or small, wanting to go out with him. Lara appears to be the only girl who sees him as dateworthy, so maybe they should get together, we’re sure interbreeding isn’t new to their family. And they’re a lost bloodline anyway. But seriously Josh Bingle…WHO ARE YOU? You are the brother of someone who barely knows why she is famous…and for some reason we’re in our loungeroom hearing you say you’d never go out with a fat girl? What? You don’t have any authority on anything and as much as we couldn’t care less whether someone is good looking or not, you really are not very handsome.

So for the remainder of time we have left, here are some tips for being taken seriously (these are for you too Josh):

  • Stop breaking the law. Like altogether. No assaults, or driving infringements, or pretending you don’t know whether you have a license, or saying you “took” your friends points for her (??), because that is also breaking the law. You are NOT above the law, evidenced by your several fines and charges. The only time in which it is acceptable to break the law is when an oppressive regime has taken over your country and you are attempting to fight for freedom. We do not think this is the case, we do not think this is what you are trying to do. GET A LICENSE!!! And Josh Bingle, you just can’t hit people, because you think you’re all that. Most of Australia wants to hit you, so not only are you breaking the law, but you’re putting yourself in a very dangerous position.
  • Get a job, any job. A real job. Don’t quit your job (crane operator Josh Bingle we’re talking to you). Having your own reality TV show: not a job. Having photographs taken of yourself naked/in a bikini with cellulite/in the shower: not a job. Dating famous AFL star or cricketer: not a job. Overlooking someone else design lingerie for brand ‘Lara Bingle’: not a job. Driving your sister around because she doesn’t have a license: not a job (bit more ambiguous, because she was paying him, more so a job than other “jobs”). Go on to Seek.com, apply for a job, and go to it, for the required hours. Work at McDonalds, work at Bra’s n Things if you like lingerie so much.
  • Get. Off. Twitter. Twitter should come with terms and conditions which state that you are compromising all future credibility by being a part of it. Particularly if you tweet about being a “retart”. This goes for the Pope too. Don’t Tweet a picture of starving children who are smoking, accompanied by the commentary, “poverty stricken but still cool as fuck”. No. Firstly, dying of poverty isn’t cool. Secondly Lara, after a little bit of research, it appears that smoking kills – not so cool. It also gives you an inflated sense of your own self worth which is the last thing any Bingle needs.
  • Stop talking. Stop talking about wanting to be taken seriously, about your weight, about what you want to do, about your love life, about your management, about the media, about YOURSELF, and you might learn something. Just…shut up. Shh. Nope shhhhhhhh. No more talking, no more articles in the paper. Refer to point number 2, and start to listen instead of speaking..all..the..time.

People will not take you seriously if your best friend, who you met on a plane, like last week, is also your manager. People will not take you seriously if the most genuine and authentic people on your reality TV show, and the most likely to get more work out of this genre of television, are Nan and Pop Bingle. People will not take you seriously if you live in an $8 million apartment rented for you by the production team of your reality TV show. People will not take you seriously if your brother and best friend are sleeping together but don’t appear to even almost like each other, and thats like…the complication? Of the series?

The world is most definitely ending when Lara Bingle can non-ironically and contently claim that she wants to be taken seriously. It’s like Pauline Hanson wanting to front an Aboriginal Rights protest…or Alan Jones pleading to lead a march against modern day sexism. Like…no. The universe cannot handle this kind of unrecognised hypocricy any longer!

A world in which Lara Bingle is taken seriously, is a world we do not want to be a part of. Thank god we won’t have to be. 

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