#17 and #16: Chris Brown as a ‘singer’… and Chris Brown and Rihanna



In Greek mythology, twins were a way of representing the dualism of the universe. Chaos and order were understood by the Greeks to be the most fundamental equilibrium, as their balance formed the basis for a functional human civilization.

Divine twins (e.g. us) serve as a metaphor for this universal phenomenon. For example:

At five years old, Pollux decided to make an ice rink in the kitchen by covering the floor in ice cubes. Castor suggested that the ice might possibly melt, making the floor a slippery hazard rather than an ice rink. Furthermore, neither twin had ice skates, nor did they know how to ice skate. Chaos prevailed, until Pollux slipped, at which point order seemed to make more sense.

When running a bit late one evening, Castor suggested to Pollux that she maybe hurry up. The enraged Pollux then threw a shoe at her wardrobe, leaving an irreparable dent, explaining that time was just a construct and in the long run, fifteen minutes would fall into insignificance. When Castor explained that they were in fact running an hour late, Pollux angrily, and very awkwardly face palmed the weak Castor, which resulted in tears. Order was restored when, within seconds, Pollux also started crying and said “Oh my God I’m so sorry…don’t tell mum…I lost control of my temper I love you Cla…Castor”.

This oscillation between chaos and order is necessary for change and stability in the world. However, in 2012, it seems that order has been lost.

Chaos is rampant. Earthquakes and hurricanes have become frequent occurrences. The world is fighting a war that no one really understands. We have Gangnam style, and the people who dance to it (including but not limited to the old golfer at work who caught on like…yesterday). We have ‘Twilight’, but more alarmingly, Kristen Stewart. For goodness sake, Castor (who is MEANT to represent order) changed her ringtone to ‘Whistle’ by Flo Rida (on PURPOSE) and no one, including herself, knows why. Pollux sings church hymns to our dog and changes the word ‘God’ to ‘Ted’…But worst of all: Chris Brown has 11 million followers on Twitter. He almost killed Rihanna. He sung a total of 15 seconds (40 words) at the 2012 Grammy’s, and lip synced 3 minutes 42 seconds (352 words). He told a woman to “take them teeth out when you suck my dick hoe”. He spelt ‘hoe’ (a long-handled gardening tool used for weeding and breaking up soil) wrong, but we presume he meant ‘ho’ (a promiscuous female), because he is a misogynistic prick….and because the conversation didn’t appear to have much to do with gardening.

If we have a music industry where we can have an artist try to kill ANOTHER music artist, AND continuously offend and disrespect half the population, both in his lyrics and in his behavior, AND break the law frequently through drug abuse and assault, AND throw a chair out a window after an interview, AND THEN be invited to the Grammy’s the following year, AND be asked to perform….AND THEN AFTER ALL THAT HE LIP SYNCS?? He is either really, really funny, or Hades/Satan (we are going with the latter). Either way, we can logically deduce that the world has to be ending after this Grammy’s, because at this rate the 2013 Grammy’s will look a little something like this:

–       It will be hosted at Auschwitz by Lindsay Lohan

–       The audience will be treated to a duet between Chris Brown and Rihanna, which will take place in a gas chamber because it has good sound, after which Brown will propose, and the crowd will cry with joy.

–       He will then shoot her in the head.

–       All women in attendance will have to have their teeth removed as a pre-requisite, as requested by Chris Brown and his posse.

–       Women will be ineligible for awards because they can no longer sing because they do not have any teeth. 

–       Performers will not only give up on the whole singing their own song thing, but also lip syncing. Instead they will just stand there tapping their feet and holding a microphone.

With our world descending into this sort of chaos, there is no question that the world will end before the 2013 Grammy’s.

Evidently, there are several reasons why Chris Brown’s presence in the universe indicates it’s imminent downfall. First, and most superficially, is his inability to actually sing during live performances, even though this is his job and what he gets paid to do. We work behind the bar at a golf club. We can’t just walk into work, see a customer, mime a greeting, mouth “What would you like”, pretend to pour a beer, and then exit the bar. Likewise, a brain surgeon cannot pretend to do surgery, just as a teacher can’t not teach, a pilot can’t just not fly planes, a builder can’t fool people into thinking his building something when he’s actually not, and a politician cannot just say they’re going to do something and then not do….oh wait, nah, yeah they can. But apart from that, society is built on the premise that you actually do what you “do”. Mmmm, such a complicated notion. A singer should sing just as a bus driver drives buses. But no, in 2012, singers don’t sing, and Kim Kardashian/Paris Hilton/Nicole Ritchie don’t actually do anything.

So Chris Brown doesn’t sing, but at least he accepts the responsibility that comes with the fame he has acquired from not singing…right?

Seriously. Chris Brown has two jobs. a) To sing his own songs, and b) To not beat up Rihanna. He dismally fails at both. Who is his boss? Why isn’t he fired yet? Pollux got a warning for being on her phone at work, and for being ten minutes late. And Chris Brown remains not only employed, but esteemed in the music industry, for failing at what the ONLY thing he is meant to be doing.

Chris Brown…like…really hurt Rihanna. We were under the impression that he mildly assaulted her (if there is such a thing), when he actually nearly killed her. Who nearly kills someone? That’s just…not very socially acceptable. If Brown nearly killed a man, wouldn’t he be in prison? Instead, if you nearly kill your female partner, its domestic abuse, and you do community service. Really? He got let off because he is not a violent man, he doesn’t hate women, he is just an innocent guy who accidentally almost killed Rihanna (who hasn’t been there huh!?) its not in his nature to be abusive, he won’t reoffend! Ah…

Wait…but…but…we’re no detectives…but his song lyrics include…

“Let Me Take You Down” (no…thanks…)

“Give it to her in the worst way, the worst way…” (umm…that doesn’t sound very fun)

“All that bullshit I ain’t hearing it, ‘cause I’m on point like a pyramid. I’m flushing terds, killing shit.” (he said “killing shit” just then)

“Better cuff your chick if you with her I can get her…and she accidentally slip fall on my dick” (…don’t think its possible to accidentally slip onto a penis)

Besides the very bad sentence structure, use of words, grammar etc, it also seems that he might be a little bit violent and/or angry. But he was very sorry after Rihanna though, a completely reformed man. 

Well, not really. He said he didn’t remember hurting her, and then he said he did, and then when he was asked about it during an interview he got angry, hence the chair incident. And then he got anger management counseling, which most definitely worked, evidenced through his ability to diffuse situations that might make him angry. Last week Brown tweeted “I look old as fuck!! And I’m only 23” (why does this man have Twitter?? He virtually illiterate) to which comedian Jenny Johnson replied, “I know! Being a worthless piece of shit can really age a person”. It was here, that Brown logically retaliated, “take them teeth out when you suck my dick hoe”. We don’t really understand the anger, considering what Johnson stated was merely a fact. Nonetheless, the conflict continued, with Brown eventually saying that he would “shart in [Johnson’s] mouth…seize the day” and additionally “shit on her retina”. 

Okay, we don’t think that’s what seize the day/carpe diem means. It doesn’t work in that context at all. How is pooing in someone’s mouth and/or retina seizing the day? And how would you hold someone down long enough to even be able to successfully poo directly into their retina? We’re sure they would close their eyes in defense…Actually, it’s not possible to poo into someones retina, because it sits behind the iris, the cornea, the pupil and the lense. You would literally need to dissect a human eye in order to successfully deposit your faecal matter into a retina. Silly sausage!


But aside from these (legitimate) logistical issues, there are bigger moral problems behind what Brown is saying in front of eleven million people. Abuse is a continuum. If it is okay to say these things to women, then it is okay to do these things to women. And if it is okay to do these things to women, then it’s okay to do things to women against their will. It is therefore okay to punch them, to kick them, to rape them, to strangle them, and to kill them. The man who says these things to women and gets away with it, or has it endorsed, or sees another man get away with it, is a man who is not being prevented from progressing along this continuum.

Brown’s response to Johnson also highlights an interesting propensity for women to be insulted in reference to their gender, rather than the issue at hand. For example, when Pollux did….wait…absolutely nothing…to frustrate a boy when she was 15, he told her, “you’re as wide as a trampoline”. After thorough analysis of the very poor simile, she was still perplexed because 1) trampolines aren’t “known” for being particularly wide 2) a better example may have been an elephant, a hippopotamus, the great wall of china etc. 3) before she could even articulate it, she could not understand why she had been insulted in terms of a gendered feature, rather than whatever it was that the boy had a problem with. Brown may have been hurt by being told he was a “worthless piece of shit” (bit slack), but instead of tackling this issue, and how it may have been insensitive, judgmental, or not Johnson’s place to say, he instead resorted to subordinating her femininity. Perhaps because this is where he draws his power from. He certainly doesn’t draw it from his ideas, or arguments, or his (not) singing.

Chris Brown’s current single “Don’t judge me”, which is, shamefully, very catchy, is also really stupid. He just repeats “please don’t judge me…and I won’t judge you”, which is like when Pollux borrows heaps of money from Castor, and then suggests that we call it even…like no. We’re not even. And why are you saying you won’t judge me? I didn’t DO anything? You don’t even know me? And he admits to the rumors being true…but asks that people don’t judge him on it? But you have judged us, you’ve judged our entire gender, like when you beat up one woman and then told another she was a ho just because she didn’t like you. And we don’t like you either, so doesn’t that make us ho’s as well? Now, that is very judgmental Mr. Brown. Seriously, it is like Hitler saying to Marc Bloch (victim of the Holocaust) “dw I won’t judge you bud…but you can’t judge me either k?”. We think that he still might judge you…and that is probably fair enough.

But the last straw for us is Rihanna and Chris Brown’s soon to be released collaboration ‘Nobodies Business’. Nobodies business…nobodies business?? You make your entire career on making your lives other peoples business, but then when Brown beats Rihanna, you write an entire song about it being nobody else’s business? Kay if it’s not my business…I won’t listen to and/or buy the song. Our business is nobody else’s business because we don’t make money on it being other people’s business. But we think if we tried to explain that concept to Chris Brown his head would explode and he would probably try to shit on our retina’s. We’ll be sleeping with one eye op…or rather, both eyes closed from now on. 

When we have famous people with 11 million followers on Twitter, threatening to shit in (on? not sure about the grammar) women’s retina’s and shart in their mouths, while claiming that this is ‘seizing the day’, surely the end of the world is fast approaching. With only a little over 2 weeks left of this universe, we hardly have time to get started on the cultural irony of Chris Brown and Rihanna getting back together. But we will leave you with this question: What sort of place are we living in, if one of the most attractive, successful, wealthy, and influential women in the world is getting back together with a man who almost killed her? If the world doesn’t end on the 21st of December, we should probably do something about women’s sense of self worth. Really Rihanna? You’re not going to find love in this hopeless place…you’re just going to find a mentally handicapped, immature 22 year-old, who is violent and erratic, and strangely obsessed with his own faeces.


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