#18: Miranda Kerr wrote a ‘book’

 

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In order to determine the 21 reasons why the world is ending on the 21st of December 2012, one must, at times, go to great lengths. But none so far, have been as grueling, painful and downright terrifying, as ‘reading’ Miranda Kerr’s ‘book’ ‘Treasure Yourself’. That is, of course, if you consider a series of bound pages of photographs, other peoples quotes, a brief biography, and space to write your own quotes, to be a book. (We refuse to refer to it as a ‘book’ without inverted commas). If anything proves our commitment to this task, it is surely the fact that we dared to skim the pages of potentially the worst ‘book’ ever written. We have both discussed, and agreed, that if the only things left on planet earth were Miranda Kerr, her book, and one of us, and we had to choose one to die, we would choose ourselves. Because if we chose Miranda Kerr, or the book, we would still have to exist with one of them. ‘Treasure Yourself’ is inarguably evidence for the world ending, because the moment an internationally renowned supermodel, and perhaps the most attractive human being on the planet, tells us to treasure ourselves, is the moment we discover that our world has descended into chaos – and shit is about to get real.

You might think that what we just used was a ‘metaphor’ with a little added touch of ‘hyperbole’ but NO. Miranda Kerr’s ‘book’ was released in 2010, and 2010 was I QUOTE: “…the year the Earth struck back…earthquakes, heat waves, floods, volcanoes, super typoons, blizzards, landslides and droughts killed at least a quarter million people in 2010 – the deadliest year in more than a generation.” With word that Kerr was thinking of writing a ‘book’, a devastating earthquake hit Haiti, affecting over three million people. Coincidence? We think not. Kerr then released “Treasure Yourself” in August of that year. When the ‘book’ reached Christchurch in early September, the biggest ever simultaneous cringe took place, which resulted in a 7.1 magnitude earthquake, causing millions of dollars worth of damage, and great trauma, to the city. Every time someone in the world purchases a copy of this ‘book’, one baby polar bear slips off an ice cap. These are all facts.

Well, these facts are just as evidenced-based as Miranda Kerr’s fervent claim that Noni Juice (her drink of choice since she was fourteen) is the reason for her beautiful skin, improved immune system, and general, you know, attractiveness. You see Miranda, there is such a thing as confusing correlation and causation – just because your perfect life and weird juice consumption co-occurred does not mean that your stupid Noni Juice is magic. But, if Miranda is really so sure that her immune system did not simply just improve with age, but instead was strengthened through her Noni Juice potion, then she must also accept that she single handedly caused a bunch of natural disasters (which is more likely anyway).

Moving on to the real problem – the ‘book’. Her mentor was Louise Hay (mistake numero uno), an author who is also responsible for the world ending, but didn’t make it to the top 21 unfortunately. Louise Hay writes these horrible, cringe worthy, self help books about positive affirmations and is just generally an annoying human. Now, we, as much as the next person, believe in the power of positive thoughts and confidence in achieving one’s goals. But Hay claims that affirmations can do even more than that! She writes an entire book on how “disease” is really “dis ease” and so you can treat physical ailments through the power of the mind. To an extent this may be true. Yet, Hay claims that affirmations can cure CANCER. She writes about how she got cancer of the vagina because she was raped (probably not related – again, correlation or causation?) and how she cured it through mentally dealing with the trauma. Before even attending the doctors to get her final results after chemo, she “knew for sure” that the cancer was gone. Nice little story. But where does this leave the individual who is dying of cancer? Or their family? Is it because they are not being ‘positive’ enough? So now, not only are they dying of cancer, but it is also THEIR FAULT. Something Hay appears to have overlooked, is that there is one inevitable human experience: death, you idiot! Therefore, no matter how many bloody positive affirmations we do, we are all going to die eventually, Hay included, and her stupid attitude will do nothing to stop it. Anyway – we hope we have successfully demonstrated that Louise Hay, Kerr’s mentor, who is often quoted in the ‘book’, is also contributing to the imminent apocalypse, by showering the world with dumb ideas. Kerr takes her lunacy one step further, by making even less sense, including more plagarism, and adding some modeling photographs here and there, accompanied by bad one-liners about how its not the outside but the inside that counts. 🙂

Kerr states that her ‘book’ is “about encouraging young women to embrace their individuality. You may think it’s easy for me to say, but we all have insecurities”. I feel….NO sense of rapport with you. At all. The fact that she says “you may think it’s easy for me to say” just makes us want to punch her in the head even more. What do you mean Miranda? I thought she would have to be insecure about her writing skills…surely. Wait, wait, wait, let me guess what her insecurity is: that she is TOO good looking? Yeah totes same, ah now I can relate!

Miranda Kerr writing a book on how to improve young girls’ self esteem is like having a murderer counsel and comfort the victims family. Um wow that was probably a bit drastic. But it is like Rupert Murdoch telling a poor person that it’s easy to make money. Or Usain Bolt telling us that winning isn’t important, as long as you participate. Miranda Kerr telling us that “I like to think that we are all unique flowers in the amazing garden we call Earth. No two of us are the same and nor should we ever want to be. We all have a place here. A daisy is as beautiful as a sunflower,” is annoying for a few reasons. Firstly, if she is going to say we are all unique flowers, she agrees that some of us are like an ‘Amorphophallus’ flower (look it up..it is U-G-L-Y), which literally looks like a giant, infected, penis. So, for all effective purposes, she is saying that someone who looks like infected genitalia is just as beautiful as someone who looks like her? I think that’s what she’s saying? But I can’t be sure…Secondly, according to this quote, we all have a place here, because we are all beautiful. What if I don’t want to be beautiful? What if I’m not beautiful? What if there are more important things than being beautiful? Hey…that Amorphophallus girl is a really nice person. Shame she looks the way she does, I guess she doesn’t have a place here..in this garden..called Earth..JEEZ. If the Earth is a garden and we are all plants who just want to be beautiful, I’m not watering the plants. Except the Amorphophallus one, at least it looks funny and interesting..hehe

But in all seriousness, the second HALF of Miranda Kerr’s ‘book’ is really a very good idea. Dedicating half the pages of your ‘book’ for your reader to write their own quotes has got to be the laziest ploy I have ever seen. Oh my God…you just didn’t finish your own book. You had ONE job, and you didn’t do it..and now I’m writing your book? For you? And the bit I wrote is better than the bit you wrote. Of course, we took the liberty of completing this section, and have to say that our quotes are at least 4 to 5 times better than those by Miranda Kerr. Ahem: “time is like a clock..it just keeps ticking” – a reference to time, and how it just keeps going. Also, “if you’re willing to cut with the knife, you have to be willing to give up the fork” – sooo true. “Beauty is like love, and love is positivity, which is also like compassion but not like negativity because negativity is like sadness, just as the table is like the chair but not like the television, and the cherry is like the cake, and not like the pie”. And, finally, “flowers are just like people. They all die unless you put them in the freezer”.

But, when we shared our quotes with other people, and did not get the positive reaction we anticipated, we decided it was best to plagiarize other peoples quotes, just like Miranda, such as:

“The Trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt” Bertand Russell

“Beauty without expression is boring” Ralph Wardo Emerson

“It is amazing how complete is the delusion that beauty is goodness” Leo Tolstoy

Ah…awkward Miranda, you shouldn’t have told us to go and find our own quotes! Now we’ve found ones which make you, and your ‘book’, look rather silly.

To take issue with Miranda Kerr more broadly, if she has a girl-next-door look (as frequently referred to by the modelling industry), the world is surely doomed. Our next door neighbour is an old Croatian woman who stole our cat. She brings cake to our door regularly and we think its because she likes Dad because he mows her lawn. She hardly speaks English, but still makes far more sense than Miranda Kerr. She has a girl-next-door look, Miranda Kerr has more of a Victoria’s Secret runway model look. But if she was our next door neighbour we would grow Amorphophallus’ in our front yard and hiss at her as she practiced yoga on her front lawn. Our dog also may or may not wee in her garden called Earth.

One final point. You may know that Miranda Kerr is in fact the only person in Australia to have ever had a baby. But we thought we’d also let you in on a fun fact: she craved oranges during pregnancy…ORANGES. Our mum craved chocolate milkshakes. Her friend craved chalk. And we’re not even pregnant and we crave chocolate waffles. The world is ending when pregnant women crave oranges. You have ONE opportunity to get away with being fat and say its “baby weight” and you eat oranges. WOW.

And so the model says, “It’s not the way we look on the outside that matters, it’s the way we feel on the inside that counts.”

Sorry…just went away and vomited. 

But, ahh, that’d be nice, if you hadn’t made your fortune, and been given the opportunity to write this book, purely on the basis that you are an incredibly good looking lingerie model. But one thing tells us that we have even more to fear than cringeworthy quotes and Miranda Kerr as our new next door neighbour…because if people are referring to ‘Treasure Yourself’ as her “debut book”..oh God..that means…

…there’s more…

and if there’s more…and the garden of Earth suffered so much from the first ‘book’…the world is definitely ending on the 21st of December. 

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