#8: YOLO

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This thing that people (idiots) say is so annoying that it deserved its very own number on the countdown. “You Only Live Once”. In 2012, with the apocalypse approaching, we have resorted to stating…mere facts. We don’t just walk around saying acronyms like: WOHTE (We Only Have Two Eyes), TASDIAW (There Are Seven Days In A Week), or TIAND (Today Is A New Day), or even IAAH (I Am A Human), because these are things, that we know, and do not need to say. They don’t mean anything, or have any baring on our actions, or our justifications for them.

YOLO was shortlisted for the English word of the year. Sorry, you may have ignored what we just wrote, because it was so frustrating and stupid. So we’ll repeat: YOLO was shortlisted for the English word of the year. Other words in the shortlist included: GIF (to create a GIF file of an image or video sequence, especially relating to an event), nomophobia (anxiety caused by being without one’s mobile phone), and eurogeddon (the potential financial collapse of the Eurozone, envisaged as having catastrophic implications for the region’s economic stability). DRUMROLL PLEASE: GIF won. Can’t believe idiapocalphobia didn’t place (anxiety caused by being aware that idiots are causing the apocalypse), and niether did GAL (Get A Life: an idiom and catch phrase usually intended as a taunt to indicate that the person being addressed is devoting an inordinate amount of time to trivial or hopeless matters).

Castor and Pollux often create words to describe feelings or situations which don’t seem to have an appropriate description in the English language.

Crixaustionation: the feeling of having an assignment due the next day, which one may have not started, and may be doubtful as to whether said assignment can possibly be completed by the deadline. This feeling also involves exhaustion and extreme hunger, as well as intense love for surrounding animals and/or other activities which would prevent assignment from being completed.

Example: Castor often gets herself into a state of crixaustingaution, as a result of procrastination, anxiety, screwed up priorities, being distracted by Pollux, and oversleeping in the days leading up to assignment due date. Crixaustingaution is said to peak at approximately 5:16am, when the sun begins to rise, birds are chirping, and the victim is faced with the choice of going to bed and waking up to complete assignment, or maintaining the state of torture.

Heatacreasclausing: the experience of being too hot in a situation you have no control over, and are clothed inappropriately. In these circumstances, the heat is increasing, and there is an element of claustrophobia, in that you are trapped in your own skin, which is very hot. Can be very distressing.

Example: Pollux was heatacreasclausing at the children’s Christmas Party at work, when she was supervising the putting competition in her uniform exposed to 38 degree heat. The heatacreasclausing intensified when she had to chase after a ball that a toddler had hit down the fairway.

We remain unsure as to why these words were not shortlisted for English word of the year. The apocalypse is definitely imminent when YOLO is chosen above a word which perfectly sounds like the experience of being too hot. Furthermore, YOLO is not a word, it’s an acronym. Why are acronym’s now words of the year? How is it fair that we are struggling uni students, while there are some people working for the Oxford Dictionary and getting paid to think that YOLO and GIF are good ‘words’, when by definition (ironically) they are not words, and EVEN IF they were words, they’re not good words. At all.

Word: A single, distinct meaningful element of speech or writing, used with others to form a sentence and typically shown with a space on either side when written or printed.

YOLO doesn’t fit this definition because a) it’s not a single or distinct element of speech or writing, it is actually the amalgamation of four different elements (words), and b) it is not meaningful. It does not mean anything.

Our next problem is the every day use of YOLO, as it is used to justify doing stupid things. Now, if you only live once, and you know this, because you just said it, WHY would you do something like drink a potentially deadly amount of alcohol, or make a decision that WILL come back to haunt you, or buy something you can’t afford? According to you, you only live once, so why stuff it up? We don’t get it? Maybe if it was YOLT (You Only Live Twice), then, yes, you could justify doing stupid things, because it’s like, well, this is your practice run and you can do it properly the next time round. But YOU said you only live ONCE. Zac Efron has this tattooed on him. The world is definitely ending. We respected Zac Efron, not only for his acting abilities (hehe), but because he was good on Ellen. WE JUST DON’T KNOW WHAT TO THINK ANYMORE.

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why. WHY. 

You know who you’ll probably never hear saying YOLO? A Hindu. Because they believe in reincarnation.

Reincarnation: The religious or philosophical concept that the soul or spirit, after biological death, begins a new life in a new body that may be human, animal or spiritual depending on the moral quality of the previous life’s actions.

So, um, maybe not YOLO. Maybe you live more than once. Awkward for the Oxford Dictionary. Awkward for Zac Efron. Awkward for civilization 2012, because when the world ends on Friday, YOLO will go down as one of our “big ideas”. Let’s hope it’s wrong, Castor would like to come back as a bird so she could fly everywhere and shit on people’s heads, and Pollux would like to come back as a Polar Bear, but maybe not because ice caps are melting. Whatever, screw the ice caps, YOLO. 

#9: Annoying things people say

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In order to know for sure that the world is ending, all we need to do is listen to the people around us…because they’re idiots. People on the train: Idiots. People on Facebook: Bigger idiots. Customers at work: Annoying idiots. Personal trainers at the gym: Mean idiots. People in the media: Over confident idiots. People in politics: Powerful idiots. There are many of you who are not idiots. You’re probably not an idiot if you’re reading this. Give yourself a pat on the back. Good for you. But unfortunately, its too late. The war has been lost. We can’t quite pin point the exact historical moment that idiots prevailed, but it was somewhere among George Bush’s Presidency, the inception of ‘The Bachelor’ (man having 20 women vie for his affection…seriously? That is extremely degrading), ‘Geordie Shore’, the snuggie (Just get a blanket…get off your bum and…get a blanket. Or put on a jumper…IT NEVER EVEN GETS COLD HERE. #firstworldproblems) and the show ‘Embarassing Bodies’, which is possibly Pollux’ favourite show in the world, HOWEVER, it doesn’t make sense why someone TOO EMBARRASSED to see their local GP, seeks help from the Embarrassing Bodies Clinic, infront of an INTERNATIONAL AUDIENCE. And as for the ‘don’t be ashamed we’re all the same’ tag line…let us assure you that we have never had a bent penis, buried penis syndrome, a bladder fall out of our vagina, a rotting armpit, a hairy chest, acne on the top of our head or haemorrhoid’s (at all) let alone haemorrhoids that look like golf balls.

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That sucks  ^^^

But more importantly, if we did have any of these ailments, we would get it sorted in PRIVATE and refrain from having our body parts shown on TV. How do these people ever find a partner? Don’t people say “Hey! Aren’t you the guy from Embarrassing Bodies who thought you had a leaky butthole, but then it just turned out you didn’t wipe your bum properly??” No..no..I will not go out with you. In fact, I think I’ll sit away from you. I can’t stop thinking about your butthole.

 

Anyway..we thought it would be a genuine tragedy for all their idiocy to be lost, when we are taken over by zombie aliens in just a few short (<—-idiot phrase) days (days tend to be the same length. What happens if one day we have like a 20 hour day, and it’s amazing, and needs to be communicated, how do we describe it? Idiots will just nod and smile and say ‘ahh yes..one of those short days’. EUGH) So we thought we would compile a list of the most idiotic things people say so zombie aliens can remember stupid people for what they really are…people who don’t make any sense, whatsoever.

  1. “Hello, ladies and gentlemen”…hhheyyyyy. Implicit. If we’re sitting in the room, and you say “hello” with a microphone, we know you’re talking to us. In the first few seconds of introducing yourself to us, you find it necessary to identify us in terms of our genitals. The people in the room really aren’t that…close. It’s like saying “Hello, smokers and non-smokers”, or “Hello, labour voters and liberals”, or “Hello, Christians and Muslims”, or “Hello, healthy and sick”. In future, “hello” will suffice. Thunx. On a related note, don’t like “ladies”. Nup. Really don’t like it. “Hello, ladies”. It makes us feel like we should be wearing God damn panty loins (whatever they are), gloves to our elbows, sipping tea from fine china, and acting in a passive/docile way, such as to not offend or challenge anyone, which most likely, we’re not. So don’t call me “lady”, and don’t welcome “ladies and gentleman”, we’re all just humans, lets get with the program. We can tell it’s an expression you use to fill up time because you’re not talented enough to truly be entertaining.

  2. “I’m not gonna lie…”…well, we hope not. Why do you have to preface what you are about to say with that? Were you lying before? And we also don’t care THAT much whether you’re lying. We’re probably only half listening because you also happen to be the type of person who says boring/idiotic things a lot. I probably lied. I lied when I said “oh wow…thats interesting!”, or “nice to meet you”. It wasn’t.

  3. “These days”…compared to???? That other era you were a part of? Of course the exclusion to this is our grandparents/ parents generation. We (Pollux in particular) have a physical reaction to this phrase. It is SO DUMB. “These days”..what..WHAT? What about “these days”?? “These days everyone’s violent”. Wow. That’s a general statement. It doesn’t really take into account cultural or class or economic differences, or the fact that you haven’t actually witnessed another “day” in the context you are using the word. We would say we’re not violent, but we’re literally about to punch you in the face. The phrase becomes more frustrating the younger you are. “These days bloody * insert ethnic/religious/cultural minority * are taking over. It’s unAustralian”. YOU HAVE NO OTHER DAYS TO COMPARE IT TO YOU HAVE BEEN ALIVE FOR LIKE TWO DECADES. And you don’t mean “these days” you mean…”today”. You know absolutely nothing about the past so don’t go drawing comparisons. And WHO is taking over?? The Chinese? Who have been here since the Gold Rush, probably longer than your family? Or Muslims? Who have been in this country for most of this century and some of whom are seeking REFUGE from war torn countries you insensitive, racist, idiot. Oh and NONE of whom you have the right to judge…you bogan.

  4. “Murphy’s Law”: Okay, so it is not so much the phrase, but how people use it that really grinds our gears. Pollux loves a good “Murphy’s Law” reference when appropriate – but Castor firmly believes that it gets used more in offices than any other work place, where people have MORE TIME to draw constant links between what is occuring and the concept of Murphy’s Law. Sometimes it is like a race to see who can reference Murphy’s Law first…and its like people are angry at the world…or Murphy for inventing the law…not sure which. So it rains. And Mr/Mrs. Office person says “rarara waa waa I brought my umbrella to work everyday for the past month and I only removed it from my car this morning! And now it is raining! Murphy’s Law” *chuckles proudly*. # Firstworldproblems Okay…guarantee that part of that story is not true. And…even if it is. You got wet. Shit happens. Move on. Why are we talking about it? It is raining for EVERYONE ELSE TOO you know. Murphy wasn’t like “oh just to spite Mr/Mrs. Office person I will make it rain today hehe”. The world does not revolve around you and your use of the phrase Murphy’s Law. Deal. With. It. When Murphy’s Law doesn’t occur you’re not like “Oh I’ve had my umbrella in my car for a month and today I got to use it…so…quite handy infact…not Murphy’s Law at all really”. It is just another example of how our society hates on everything and needs to stop being so bloody negative. (Irony: We’re whinging about annoying things people say)

  5. “FOMO”. (Fear Of Missing Out) This is dedicated to a very intelligent, and dear friend of ours, who once used this phrase, much to our dismay. She also happens to be a friend who got a physical injury at debating in our preparation time (C&P: “We’re one man down!”, S: “Go on with out me”). She was fine in the end. I mean we knew debating was mentally and physically demanding, but we didn’t think…anyway. She didn’t mean any harm by “FOMO”, and she was shut down quickly, but we want to warn future users of the potential implications of using “FOMO” in a sentence.You WILL miss out. Listen carefully: You WILL definitely miss out MORE on whatever it is you fear missing out on, if you use this phrase. We will not invite you to those things of which you fear missing, if you actually say “I’ve got the biggest FOMO at the moment”, or when you were going to not do something (I.e: go to a party, because you had an assignment to do) and then you think you should go and say “nah I’ll go to the party, massive FOMO”, don’t bother. You are no longer invited to the party. And p.s: after studying psychology, Castor can confirm that ‘fear of missing out’ is currently NOT listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.

You know what you should have a fear of missing out on? The rest of your life, which you will, because the world is ending on Friday. And you contributed to it. All of you. With the things that you say. Why did you say that? Why? Why, Ron, why?… You come out with stink like that. Poop! You poop mouth. Get all that poop out of your mouth.  

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#10: The Connecticut elementary school shooting #11: Gun laws in America

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Cultural examples like Fifty Shades of Grey, Miranda Kerr writing a ‘book’ and Lara Bingle wanting to be taken seriously, are each in their own way, responsible for the apocalypse that’s scheduled for this Friday. As absolutely ridiculous/ terrifying elements of the present world, it is often easy to laugh at them, given that Fifty Shades posits that female subordination and oppression (a.k.a treating women worse than animals) is like, so totally, a MAJOR turn on, Miranda Kerr marketed something as a book when she is semi-literate, plagiarised other peoples quotes, and left the second half of the book for us to write ourselves (???), and Lara Bingle had diarrhea on camera, had an affair with a married man, stood infront of the most famous beach in (possibly) the world totally naked, and then feigned surprise when someone took a photo, and then drives without a license and has an accident, AND THEN decides she would like to be taken seriously now (please). This type of evidence for the degeneracy of the human race can be laughed at; but you know what’s not funny? A 20 year old man walking into a primary school and killing 26 people. It just enters into another level of complete absurdity and senselessness. It also isn’t the first time. But when we can’t:

a) Get on an aeroplane with toothpaste/ tweezers/ moisturiser/ a bottle of water (clearly planning a pretty hectic terrorist attack with THAT strange array of supplies)

b) Borrow a library book, when we have another one outstanding (and it always has an embarassing title like “Net.seXXX: Readings on Sex, Pornography, and the Internet” gull IT WAS FOR AN ASSIGNMENT)

c) Throw something out at a train station/ subway because all bins have been removed as a safety precaution.

YET a man a little younger than us can pick up a gun, that is easily accessible, walk into a primary school, and shoot 20 children and 6 teachers…

there is no greater proof that Western society has completely lost the plot.

After reading up on the official gun laws of Connecticut, we were able to establish that it was indeed harder for Pollux to get her pen license in Year 4, than it is for an adult to acquire a gun license in this state. In order for Pollux to get her pen license, she had to prove herself over the period of more than a year, change the way she naturally wrote, get her Mum to call the school because it appeared the teacher had forgotten – at which point, she was FINALLY awarded with her much treasured pen license (why didn’t we just…write with pens? Who was going to stop us? No one has asked us in high school/ university/ work for proof of our pen license…and we lost our awards…do we need to update them? Are we writing…illegally!?). In Connecticut, as long as you are not a convicted murderer (yet) or have not been diagnosed as mentally handicapped (isn’t someone requesting a gun proof enough that they are mentally unstable?), then you pretty much just get one. No calls from mum, no waiting a year, no need to prove yourself. You don’t get asked why you need/want it and there are no tests. Infact, it is entirely legal for a person to WALK AROUND with a gun in their hand, totally visible to the public. So, the gunman (we refuse to name him) could have theoretically walked to the school, with the gun in his hand, and no one would have had reason to stop him. If we walked past someone with a gun…they would be like um why on earth do you have a gun? Is that for hunting? Because even if it is…we’re not cool with that. There is absolutely no circumstance we can think of, that would require a person to just carry around a gun in a neighbourhood.

So the gunman did not himself own a gun (although it wouldn’t have been difficult). Instead, he stole guns from his mother, who was a gun enthusiast. We don’t understand why a mother raising her children in a safe and peaceful neighbourhood (before her son went crazy) owned not one gun, BUT FOUR? Why would she even need one? A witness said that she used to take her children to the rifle range, because guns were a hobby. What.? How is that…fun? Why not like…ice skating…or the driving range…or, I don’t know, the beach? They are fun hobbies. How is learning to shoot constructive? Rifle ranges in the US often don’t have targets set up where you aim for a bullseye, but HUMAN BODIES where you aim for the heart or the head, in order to ensure that you kill them (uh ok). What kind of society sets this up as a past time, and then acts shocked when someone enacts this in real life? Games we play as children…we thought…were meant to be educational. We play scrabble to broaden our vocabulary, and Monopoly to learn about money management, and we go to a shooting range to…learn how to accurately/ properly kill a human being? That’s a weird thing to do.

Another way in which primary school appears to be more sophisticated in their policies than the United States of America, is in their approach to bad behaviour. When we were in primary school, rulers with metal edges were banned because students were/could have been/probably weren’t/didn’t think about it until they banned it, hurting themselves or others with the rulers. We’re pretty sure it was one kid who did it once by accident, and for the rest of the history of primary school only plastic rulers were allowed. The point was that if there was the potential for harm, by an object where the benefits did not outweigh the dangers, you no longer had the right to bear metal-edged ruler. YET, in the classroom of the United States, where safety issues should never have to surpass the danger of metal rulers, an individual can carry around a metal hand gun filled with bullets without instigating a change in policy. You see, if our primary school teacher was the president of the United States, then she would make a really boring lecture that sounds something like this:

“Boys and girls! BOYS AND GIRLS. What are our ears for? Listening! That’s right. Bums on seats, fingers on lips shhhh. Now, I gave you the privledge of using handguns. You have (pause for effect) abused that right (pause for effect) and I am so disappointed and shocked. I expected more from you Year Four. Due to the actions of a FEW OF YOU, I know it’s not all of you, but a few of you, the right to bear arms has been taken away. If there is even a POSSIBILITY that you will hurt each other, I cannot allow you to carry them on your person. SO no more handguns, you may not bring them to school and if we see one, it will be confiscated. We allowed you to have them initially as a safety measure. From now on, if you have an issue with another student, do not use your handgun, but tell the teacher on duty. They will help you to resolve the conflict, with words rather than bullets. Thank you Year Four.”

As you can see, despite the fact this teacher is really annoying and loves the sound of her own voice, she does have a point. If there are people hurting/ killing each other with any type of instrument you should…um ban it?

 

Another reason why the world is ending, is because we seem to be getting stupider. If we read ONE more article that reports that the gunman had ‘antisocial tendencies’ and was possibly ‘autistic’ and/or a ‘psychopath’ we will…well we don’t know…we’re not really very violent people…we’ll get quite annoyed. When a 20 year old goes into a primary school, full of young children, none of whom he knows, and shoots twenty of them dead along with six teachers, OF COURSE HE IS ANTISOCIAL. That is not a particuarly SOCIAL thing to do. We cannot think of anything more antisocial than literally killing the people around you for no reason. Yeah…we don’t think this guy was really a people person…but you know…it’s just speculation. Castor has been studying psychology for the past three years. Pollux hasn’t. But Pollux can say with 100% confidence that this gunman was not a mentally stable, happy, young man. No ‘normal’ person massacres a primary school, in fact, no ‘normal’ person would shoot another person (you know, just as a general rule). We do not need qualified psychologists wasting their time telling us that this gunman ‘possibly’ had a mental disorder. It is like when people are surprised to learn that Hitler was obsessive compulsive. Um, when a dictator keeps ranting about world domination, invades countries, kills 6 million Jews, and at least 4 million homosexuals, Soviets, prostitutes, gypsies, Christians, political opponents, negroes, handicapped and disabled people, and many others, IT APPEARS THAT HE MAY HAVE BEEN A LITTLE OBSESSIVE.

What worries us, which Morgan Freeman has alluded to this week, is that the sensationalism of the media will give these murderers a cult-like following. These criminals, through massacres like Columbine, Virginia Tech, the movie theatre and now Connecticut, have come to represent the bullied, the sad, the angry and the outcast. In a world which thrives off individualism and narcissism, there is no greater fear than dying as a nobody. So instead of being a nobody, this type of psychopath immortalises themselves (successfully we might add). Studies have shown that when the media reports on suicide, the incidence of suicide significantly increases. Therefore, suicide is hardly ever reported, with the exception of the recent prank incident. So…wouldn’t it logically follow that when we are subject to non-stop reports of the Connecticut shooting, that some other psychopath will be inspired to become the most talked about human in the Western world? Here is a (serious) anecdote which illustrates our point:

A week or so after the tragic death of Jill Meagher, who was killed five minutes from her home, Castor and Pollux were walking down a street in our suburb, also five minutes from home. Pollux had ranted that day, about how annoyed she was that there were radio segments about “how women will act differently” given the news of Jill Meagher. She argued that the segment SHOULD have been entitled “how will MEN act differently and stop attacking/ murdering women”. It really is very annoying, and may we say repetitive, when a man killing a woman is somehow made the woman’s responsibility. Why should we develop safety maps and become more cautious, because one man couldn’t help but murder an innocent woman? After all, fear is the greatest form of oppression. We will not go into the details, but as we were both walking down the street, Pollux was attacked and indecently assaulted in broad daylight. We will never know why, or what possessed the man to do such an awful thing, but one thing we do believe, is that until he went to pass us on the street, he had not planned the attack. It seemed spontaneous, and the act was in some ways, reminiscent of the Meagher case. The attack was sexual, although not nearly to the extent of Meagher, was obviously random (which is very rare for sexual offences), and lastly, occurred in a quiet neighbourhood. We couldn’t help but think, that for a man who was clearly mentally ill, the media might be a key source of inspiration. The story of Jill Meagher was literally plastered throughout all forms of news and social media, and was in the back of everyone’s minds. We would be very interested to see how many similar assaults occurred in the weeks after the Meagher incident, as the deranged mind, no doubt, imitates what he/she see’s on television.

THEREFORE we think the media needs to….chill…out. Just back off. Yes the story needs to be reported, so we can put pressure on governments to change policies which allow this to happen, and so that we can support, honour, and remember the victims and their families. Yet, we do not need excessive information on the murderer, or constant interviews with the victims families. We must understand that this is not an episode of ‘Days of Our Lives’, but an unbelievable tragedy that happened to real families. The community of Newtown has suffered a serious trauma, and the process of recovery is extremely sensitive. This media approach of constantly asking questions about details of the event, has been proven within psychological domains, to intefere and interrupt the natural healing process. The families who have lost loved ones need to be respected, and should not be forced to relive the horrible ordeal, every time an insensitive reporter feels like asking them a question. 

One of the biggest signs that the world is ending is that there is actually a…debate..about this. Really? There are seriously people who think that their God-given right to bear arms (which isn’t God-given…it’s from a very, very outdated constitution) is worth more than 10, 728 lives in the past year that have been lost because of handguns. A philosophy tutor once told Castor that Michael Moore was an idiot. He is an idiot (don’t agree..but we get the point) because he doesn’t consider the alternative point of view to the one he is arguing. And a good argument always explains not only why their argument is better, but why the alternative is flawed. So lets be fair. Lets look at the reasons people give against gun control:

  1. “Guns don’t kill people, people kill people”…(with guns). Yes, this is true to an extent. If someone came up to us and offered us a gun…we would politely decline…and would not massacre a school just because we had access to a gun. Yes, people kill people, but guns make it a lot easier. On the same day as the Connecticut school shooting, a man with a knife injured 22 children and one adult in a primary school in central China. Key word: injured. A doctor told reporters that of the injured children admitted to hospital, none were seriously injured. These two stories seriously have to imply a pretty important idea about gun control. If a mentally disturbed man, with the intention of killing primary school children, has access to a gun, he kills them. If the same man does not have access to a gun, he injures them. We’re fairly sure that the families of the victims of the Connecticut shootings would give anything for their children to have been injured, and not killed. And the victims families for both attacks would give anything for their children to have not been harmed in any way, to have been safe at school. But its also the culture. A culture of guns, and video games about guns, and movies about guns, and media coverage about guns, is going to cause problems with guns.
  2. Now primary schools should be armed, because if a man were to walk in with a gun, we could shoot him”. No. STOP with the guns. No more guns. The solution to a problem about guns is not more guns. You wouldn’t NEED a gun to stop the man with a gun if there was gun CONTROL in the first place. How would MORE guns solve the too many guns problem? Americans seem to have guns…to protect themselves…from other people…with guns. But they don’t seem to see, that if GUNS were removed from this very simple equation, then there would not be a problem. Sorry – still in shock that anyone (it was a Senator) would suggest that more guns was the solution.
  3. Psychopaths who want to shoot innocent people are going to get access to guns, no matter how hard we make it”. Ahh ok, fair enough. Wait. How do you know that? We don’t think you know that. In fact, that intuitively doesn’t even seem right. We have a theory that there are these callous, unemotional, individuals, who are particularly susceptible to imposing harm on other people, because they don’t process empathy in the same way that the rest of us do. However, we think that the direction of this psychopathy is largely determined by cultural context, such that if guns are the freely available and salient weapon, mass murders with guns will occur.
  4. It’s the Second Amendment”. Good point. People (mentally stable or not) should have the right to bear arms (and kill innocent children) because people have the right to bear arms. Mmhm. We’ve never encountered an argument more circular. Why should American’s bear arms? Because it’s the law….duh. Imagine what it was like arguing for the female vote, or abolishing slavery. You would have to argue with redneck idiots being like “you CAINT vote becoz…you caint vote…the constatuchen says so…now get offa my proparty” CHH CHH *cocks gun* (because it’s legal and woman is illegal because she is a woman).

So after this compelling debate…it’s a close call…but yep we win. But for some reason in 2012, logic, reason, peace, sense, rationality and human rights don’t prevail over confusing and undemocratic power relations, politics that no one can follow, and resistance to change. So we drafted a very official letter to Mr. Obama…kinda like Dear Mr. President…but not as…crap:

To Mr. Obama,

Hey it’s us. Um so we were thinking, you know that constitution that is probably laying around in your office somewhere, that says something about American’s having the right to bear arms? And you know how six year old children and teachers were murdered by a crazed gunman a few days ago? WELL we were thinking – do you reckon you could grab a pen (probs one sitting on your desk somewhere) and cross out the Second Amendment, or liquid paper, if you’re a liquid paper kinda guy…and change it to something along the lines of rarara American’s ‘don’t’ have the right to carry guns around for no reason other than to kill fellow American’s? Could you specify that you’re not allowed to walk into Walmart or your casual gun store and buy guns and bullets? We were thinking about why you haven’t done this already, and then we had an epiphany. It’s okay, don’t be embarrassed, Pollux had a bit of trouble too. You don’t have your pen license yet, do you!? Here is a bit of insight for YOU Mr. Obama. Turns out that that license is just a stupid piece of paper and you can write with a pen whenever you like. So now you can do it after all! On a serious note though Barack, looking at the past few years, if you get that pen now and cross out that amendment (can’t you do whatever you want? You’re like a REALLY powerful guy. You send people to war and stuff), you are tangibly stopping another massacre really similar to this one from happening. They seem to happen every few months. We also did the maths…and this is your last term – you can’t be re-elected. SO what have you got to lose?? Wouldn’t you rather go down in history as a guy who did something really important and really revolutionary, than be popular with gun enthusiasts right now? Just as a heads up – you’re not even popular with gun enthusiasts right now (sorry…no offense). Anyway, hope you appreciate the advice, and good luck with writing in pen! It’s kinda slippery for the first time but you get used to it :).

Lots of love, Castor and Pollux.

P.S. Better than getting a song from Pink. Am I right?? AMIRITE?!

But he probably wouldn’t take a walk with us …(Hi, this is Pollux here. Can I just put on the record that I did not in any way support Castor’s reference to a Pink song. I find it highly embarrassing and it took me about three minutes to get it, because I spend a lot of time trying to erase Pink songs from my memory. Thanks and good night).

WAIT. WAIT A MINUTE UP IN HURR.

We are in shock.

We just saw Barack Obama’s signature…and…

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we think that’s in pen.

You know what this means…

The world is seriously ending. 

#12: That most men (and some women) don’t find women funny

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Reason number 12 is very close to the hearts of these two mythological twins, who were born on the 21st of the 12th and are counting down the 21 reasons why the world is about to end, in the final weeks of 2012.

The funny thing about being funny, is that it is really hard to be funny when the person/people you are speaking to ALREADY don’t think you’re funny. We have heard on numerous occassions, men, who we would not ordinarily consider sexist, say quite flippantly “females aren’t funny…I’ve never really laughed at something a girl has said” or “their (women’s) humour is just different, everyone gets male humour…” or a certain friend of ours, whom we will give the pseudonym Heracles, often interrupts a story half way through and says “wait…is this actually going to be funny?” at which point the answer immediately becomes no, this will no longer be funny, because now there is PRESSURE to impress you and I’ve lost my confidence…and I feel awkward and you already doubted it was going to be funny and it’s a self fulfilling prophecy. Seriously, go up to the next person you see, get them to look at you with confusion/disdain/in an unimpressed way/sprinkled with a bit of hatred, and try to make them laugh. Nup, not gonna happen. So, if laughter makes the world go ’round, it is surely ending soon. Because laughing becomes harder when we decide that half the population aren’t funny. To laugh at someone, is to give them a little bit of power, and we don’t think some men are quite willing to hand that over. But it’s been a long time coming.

Aristotle in three hundred and something BC said “the male is by nature superior, and the female inferior; and the one rules, and the other is ruled”….what even IS nature? When in doubt, people have this weird tendency to appeal to “what is natural”, which conveniently excludes homosexuality, justifies racism, and prevents any form of female power. It’s also a stupid argument because you’re stating that something is the way it is, because, well…it is the way it is. Women are inferior because women are inferior, which is therefore natural. Because it is natural, women are inferior. Aha! What a compelling argument.

Charles Darwin said in the 19th century “The chief distinction in the intellectual powers of the two sexes is shewn by man’s attaining to a higher eminence, in whatever he takes up, than can woman- whether requiring deep thought, reason, or imagination, or merely the use of the senses and hands”. Isn’t this the guy who came up with the theory of evolution? Isn’t it ironic that he has not evolved AT ALL since Aristotle?? (SEE we don’t have penis’ and we still made a joke :) ) And he spelt ‘shown’ wrong hehe.

And in 2007 Christopher Hitchens said “For women, reproduction is, if not the only thing, certainly the main thing.” Ahhh, yes…

Wait. Wait. What?

If in over 2400 years, of which every year has included funny, smart, strong and successful women, we have not been able to develop into a culture who will acknowledge that women are more than just walking, talking VAGINAS, we have absolutely no hope after 2012. Because, unfortunately, women have looked at themselves in the mirror, realised that they may, in fact, be more than just a big womb, and decided to act upon this epiphany. The same way we look at men and see more than just a penis (which is also a reproductive organ? As much so as the vagina?? Which no one seems to acknowledge…why is reproduction always considered a female domain?), except for Hitchens, who likely saw a very large penis right in the middle of his forehead when he looked in the mirror. Maybe that’s why he is so…mean.

In attempting to explain (no need to explain something that’s not true) why women aren’t funny, Hitchens praises men’s humour and argues that women “bless their tender hearts, would prefer that life be fair, and even sweet, rather than the sordid mess it actually is.” Um, firstly, don’t bless our hearts, you’re not God. And secondly, when was the survey of all women in the world conducted? Because Castor and Pollux were away that day…and every other woman we have met in our…um entire lives. Thirdly, the world is a mess because of people like you Christopher Hitchens, euugh.

The first problem with Hitchens’ argument is that he makes a rookie philosophical error. You can’t just write an article on why women aren’t funny without actually providing ANY evidence and/or argument to prove that they aren’t funny. He just assumes we’re not and then attempts to explain why. This is the dumbest philosophical approach to anything. Hmm we might just write an article on why the sky is red. Well, you see, it’s because it is so close to the sun, and is therefore very hot and red. Also, it is because Mars keeps getting closer to earth and Mars is hot and red. Lastly, the sky is red because when lightening strikes, it starts fires in the sky. Fires are red, so the sky is red. Scientists/all human beings would refute this (very strong, and may we say, convincing) argument, on the basis that ultimately, NONE of the explanations are valid because the premise of the argument isn’t true. The sky isn’t red, just like women ARE funny. (You dickhead)

Another big failure of Hitchens’ article (besides the fact that he literally seems to HATE women), is that it is less funny than Holocaust/dead baby jokes, Two and a Half Men, ‘What to expect when you’re expecting’ (was that movie even trying to be funny..not sure..maybe it wasn’t…sorry), golfers saying “am I seeing double” when they see us both behind the bar, and ‘why did the chicken cross the road’ jokes, combined. And he REALLY tries to be funny. Like he’s stupid little anecdotes: “At the Stanford University School of Medicine (a place, as it happens, where I once underwent an absolutely hilarious procedure with a sigmoidoscope)”. Not funny. We looked up the word ‘sigmoidoscope’. Still not funny. He’s humour is on par with that of boys who THINK they’re wooing us with their sense of humour, when really we’re thinking “oh my god will this guy LEAVE me ALONE he is the MOST ARROGANT person I have ever come across…why won’t he leave me alone…I’m. Not. Laughing”. Examples of this sort of ‘humour’ include:

Yelling out ‘Taxi’ when someone drops a drink: Not funny

Getting kicked/kicking someone else in the balls: Not funny

Quoting lines from movies we haven’t seen: Not funny

Laughing before you’ve even told the punchline of the joke, in order to foreshadow the fact that you think your story is funny: Not funny

The c-word: Not funny

Making fun of us: Not funny

Making fun of other girls in the near vicinity: Not funny

Telling stories about the horrible things you do/say to other women: Not funny

You getting kicked out of the club because we told the bouncer you tried to lick our face: Fucking hilarious. YOU are a funny guy.

We’re not smiling or laughing because you’re actually funny, we’re laughing because it is funny to pretend you are funny.

So anyway, Hitchens essentially asks, “why are men, taken on average and as a whole, funnier than women? Well, for one thing, they had damn well better be”, and then argues that “women have no corresponding need to appeal to men in this way. They already appeal to men, if you catch my drift”. No, we do not catch your drift. 1) Men aren’t funnier than women (evidence: your sigmoidoscope “joke”) 2) What do you mean men had “damn well better be” funny. Is it because women are valued just on their sexual attractiveness, so why would we bother being funny? You might be a sexist pig but that doesn’t mean all men are. 3) Why do Justin Bieber (not particularly funny), One Direction (too young to be funny), and Leonardo DiCaprio (who cares if he’s funny) have women in the palm of their hands? Maybe its because women don’t necessarily ONLY go for funny guys. Male and female attraction is a little more complex than: men go for sexual attractiveness, women go for funniness. Attraction is also a little more complex than: men go for women and women go for men, but that’s way too complicated for Hitchens, so we won’t even go there. 4) The sole aim of our lives, as females, is not just to appeal to men, actually. We also have other goals and dreams and ideas, and jokes too: ‘Why did the chicken cross the road?’…..’To get away from YOU because you’re a wanker’. Hehehe

In debating (the sport of heroes) we use the ‘even if’ rule (omg this is so lame like literally cringing right now, we wrote it was the sport of heroes, we were joking, soo joking. Hehe women made a joke hehe). ANYWAY the ‘even if’ rule means that you accept the (completely wrong) premise/definition of the other teams case, in order to prove that even if they were correct, your argument is still better. We know…it’s pretty cool. So EVEN IF we accepted that women aren’t funny, Hitchens is still wrong, because his reasons why women aren’t funny, are terrible. Like, very bad. Apart from referring to a study with..wait for it.. TWENTY participants (how did they find a room big enough? It’s good that this study can generalize to the entire human population) Hitchens argues that women basically suck at humour because 1) we don’t like ‘filth’. Ok…filth is probably code for sexism. 2) the fact that we have babies makes us serious. (note: babies do not only belong to women…awkward Chris) 3) women are the mainstay of religion….seriously. The Pope, bishops, priests, Rabbi’s, Dalai Llama (s)??..yeah good point, women are the right gender to blame here. 4) nothing is less funny than a woman discussing her child. There’s definitely one thing less funny…and thats Christopher Hitchens.

Okay. So we’ve established that his reasons make absolutely no sense. Here is a better reason:

Men refuse to laugh at women: Just to preface this, we love our dad a lot and think that he is very funny. HOWEVER, he does not ever really laugh at us. Pollux will tell a story such as “Today I was at the station, on my way to uni, and I got counted in the head count for a handicapped excursion. I mean yeah I was offended, but more importantly, where was the missing handicapped kid? Did he/she go to Sydney Uni today while I went on their excursion? Dad are you listening?”, to which Dad will reply “Mmm that’s nice, do you know where Mum is? I’m hungry did mum tell you what’s for dinner?” Um ok. In comparison, our brother Nic….or “Remus” we will call him, comes in and says “Hi Dad” and Dad is slapping his knee with tears running down his cheeks in laughter. Like, that wasn’t funny. Castor will follow up with “Today, I walked past a mirror, and said hi to Pollux. People saw. I think they thought I was crazy.” But Dad is still busy laughing at Remus’ one liner. WHAT THE HELL!? And then Remus grows up thinking he is God’s gift to comedy (he is actually very funny) and Castor and Pollux write a self conscious blog in the middle of the night, thinking that they better give up on the whole ‘being funny’ thing because they’ve not been too successful thus far.

Our aim was to write a blog funnier than Christopher Hitchens’ article (which isn’t hard) on why women aren’t funny, in which he attempted to be funny, but dismally failed, perhaps reflecting the unavoidable truth that the whole premise of his article is factually incorrect…or…if we do accept his premise…that he is a woman. Hopefully then, when zombie aliens find a laptop and browse the web, they will find that women were more than objects of pornography, who hoarded a great deal of beauty products, and took a lot of photos in bikinis (still falls into the category of objects of pornography). Perhaps they will find we had more to offer in the humour department than laughter at mens jokes. And we do. If only people would stop telling us we aren’t funny.

#13: Our obsession with talking about what we eat

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Eleanor Roosevelt famously said, “great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people”. But she forgot to add that even smaller minds discuss food.

We must preface this by saying that we are NOT talking about nutritionists, doctors, dietitians or chefs, who have studied food, know a lot about food, and are qualified to give us advice on what and how to eat. We love Jamie Oliver as much as the next person, because he reminds us how fun, fascinating and social preparing and eating food should be. Further, at a time when more that 1 in 3 Australians are obese, it is unequivocal that as a nation we need to be re-educated, and thus food experts have an integral function. In the Middle Ages, the black plague killed one third of Europe. Now, in the final moments of human history, it isn’t plagues, famine, poor sanitation or contagious diseases that are killing us in Western society, but our own behaviour. Drinking, smoking, becoming sedentary, not exercising, eating too much high-fat, high-sugar, processed foods, and in some cases, not eating anything at all, is what’s killing us. So yes, we’re killing ourselves, and yes this is obviously a really important issue. Therefore, food is something that needs to be in the public discourse and warrants extensive study.

In saying that, we don’t give a shit what you had for breakfast. Not even if its “muesli and chia seeds, drizzled with fat-free, gluten-free, sugar-free, dairy-free, lactose free, yogurt-free, yogurt, topped off with a sprinkle of gogi berries, acai (don’t even know what this looks like but we tried it once when we worked at Boost and it tasted like dirt that Ted had rolled in), and almonds. All this along with a herbal tea and water infused with coconut, oxygen, energy, health, and longer life. #YOLO #naughtytreat #livingtipsfromsomeonewithnoqualifications”.

Congratulations, that is REALLY healthy. Like good on you. I had Weet Bix. If you only eat that kind of stuff, you’re going to live a really long time and feel really good. But we’re not sure why you need to tell us about it…are you trying to make us feel guilty? And you don’t status update at 4am in Kings Cross with “double shot of vodka infused with red bull…topped off with fries drizzled in oil and salt, and two sugar filled buns with an oily, hormone-induced meat patty (ambiguous as to what animal), with fatty sauces, and a coke that has more kilojoules than my breakfast! #mylifeisnotwhatitseems #wealldoit #iwascravingsugarandfatafterbreakfast”.

It appears to be a status thing. Like a bit of “I’m better than you because I can eat gogi berries without throwing up” (they taste like sultanas infused with cat pee, drizzled with ear wax…seriously there are some in the cupboard and we just tried them again in order to aptly describe the taste, and Castor is heaving and now sculling Pepsi Max. They are to date the worst thing we’ve ever tasted.) It also seems to be a little competitive, and since when did heath become a competition? We don’t find pictures of people running/ eating salad particularly inspiring. Considering a great portion of women have learnt that their social worth is inextricably tied to their body, these conversations are increasingly prevalent amongst young girls. We have on numerous occassions listened to females list off what they eat on a daily basis, how much they exercise, what their ‘vice’ is (if you say they are almonds we know you are full of shit), how much weight they once lost, and how if they just lost a few more kilos they would be content. In that bloody Lara Bingle article from the weekend she said that avacado and vegemite on toast was her “treat” and that you wouldn’t normally see her eating like this! Lara…what did we tell you. Shhh…no…shutup, seriously stop talking…sh…shhh. The point is that what you eat is your business, don’t tell anyone, don’t feel the need to “confess”, don’t brag about coconut water or whatever, no one (let me assure you, NO ONE) cares about what your vice is, just eat it…and then thats it. The only time a person should know exactly what you are eating/ have eaten, is if they are sitting across from you on a table. Or maybe if you are travelling and it is part of the cultural experience or something. Or if they found a feather in a chicken McNugget. That seriously happened to a friend and it was important she told people because it was very funny.

We concede that we are not foodies, so are probably missing something from this whole disclose-what-you-eat-for-every-meal phenomenon. (P.S Castor is whinging because she still has the taste of gogi berries in her mouth and has brushed her teeth twice). But taste is not something that you can ever properly describe, so we just don’t understand uploading a picture of your fairly ordinary looking salmon with oyster mushrooms and avocado and flax seed oil and lentils and kale and raw walnuts and whey and barley and brocolli (not really a recipe). It’s like when someone tries to describe to you a route in a location you don’t know very well, and you literally have absolutely no idea what they are talking about. You can’t visualise it unless you are there so WHAT IS THE POINT in listing off a whole lot of roads that we’ve never heard of. Or when someone recounts to you their really complex dream that makes NO sense at all, because it was DREAM, and has no bearing on real life. So even if you were to understand the bizarre story line where characters keep changing (“it was you, but you looked different! But I just knew it was you”…okay) it still…wouldn’t…matter because it didn’t happen…So maybe the person eating the food cares about their weird salmon creation, but the person looking at the photo most definitely does not, because um they can’t taste it, which is the point of food, and you already ate it so it’s all gone…

When we were in London about 5 months ago, we were sitting in Starbucks and overheard an interesting (hilarious) conversation between three girls who were about our age. They spoke about dieting non stop for about half an hour. One girl outlined an extremely complex diet she had discovered which involved no meat, no lactose, no sugar bla bla bla. Anyway – she explained every detail of the stupid diet. She then announced in her funny cockney accent (think Vicky Pollard from Little Britain)

Vicky Pollard: “So right, I went to this big fancy dinner with my family yeah, and I knew I couldn’t drink alcohol so I ordered a Diet Coke, but that was like, actually, against the diet I had been on for two weeks…”

Friend: “Yeah but that diet, must be like, completely impossible.”

Vicky Pollard: “Yeah exactly right! I mean NO ONE could eat like that, it’s completely ridiculous, I totally gave up yeah, I mean we all need meat and dairy…”

Obviously there are several problems with this incredibly banal conversation, first of which is why would you dedicate ten minutes of your life recounting a diet as though you were the Messiah of healthy eating, when you a) did not stick to it and b) do not believe that it is legitimate/ works. BUT the best is yet to come. After hearing someone go on and on about the ins and outs of healthy eating, one cannot help but look over their shoulder, to perve on the glowing goddess who appears to have never consumed a processed molecule in their life.

She was:

1: Not just overweight, but would probably be classified as obese.

2: Eating cake

3: All her friends were also eating cake.

WHAT? Did none on them see the irony of eating cake whilst discussing the excessive sugar that is in fruit and how ultimately that should be avoided? These girls had been arguing over the difference between soy and almond milk, and raw vegetables as opposed to cooked vegetables. And they were eating cake?? We have NO problem with people eating cake ordinarily because as Pollux too often recites “it is good for the soul”…but it did seem that these girls had missed the point of these fad diets altogether.

So, the proof is in the pudding (cake). We can talk about healthy foods as much as we like, but if its over cake, well then there is no doubt that this planet only has a week to go.

We should also establish that we are not having a dig at overweight individuals, but are just attempting to point out a clear cultural hypocricy. You see, the more we seem to talk about food, the more we seem to EAT food. During the writing of this blog, we have gone to the cupboard at least three times. All the discussion about what is healthy, the images of healthy recipes, and the diet ads, ultimately just seem to make us all way more hungry…

The other problem with uploading a picture of your spinach tofu sprinkled with oats and cauliflower, with maca (yep no idea what this is ), blueberries and carrot, along with a green tea, is that you scare people into apathy. What we mean by this, is that someone who knows very little about healthy eating will think “Eh, I have no idea what language this person is speaking, and considering I will never be able to eat like that (where do you even get ‘maca’ from? Is it like imported?) I might as well continue with my fast food diet. The whole eating well thing looks too hard.” And to an extent that train of thought is so right. We get a ridiculous amount of contradictory information when it comes to food, one minute soy milk is the bee’s knee’s and the next, it screws up your hormones, so men will pretty much grow boobies, their penis will fall off and then they will die. And then there’s wholemeal bread, which we thought was meant to be good for you because of the fibre content but noooo, humans are not meant to consume gluten because it blocks up your liver (for some reason we envisage clay?) and doesn’t digest properly, meaning that we WILL get fat and probably die also. Are we meant to have carbs or not? And isn’t dairy a food group? But then people say we only need calcium as babies? WEDON’TUNDERSTAND. (P.S Pastor just made me google whether anyone actually enjoys the taste of gogi berries or do they just eat them because they are healthy).

But ultimately, what frustrates us most about the excessive, uneducational, counter-productive, and completely fruitless (hehe) discussion about food, is one simple issue: it is….REALLY boring. You know when someone says something, as in they use words, but they have actually said nothing? One example would be “mmmm nomnomnom sooo hungry nomnom I love food” or “I just LOVE water, it is just sooo refreshing, I was so thirsty before bla bla bla I’m a socially awkward person so I talk about nothing bla bla bla”. Like, how do I go about responding to that? “Ahh okay, yeah it’s so weird how refreshing water is”. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY BECAUSE YOU SAID NOTHING.

The amount of times we have heard someone say “I could soo eat a horse right now”, and then they can’t finish their sandwich, or just generally “I love food”…we all do…that’s why we’re still alive. Or at parties you will often hear, “ohh my goddd, sooo much foooood, I’m going to be sooo fulllll”….ahh..okay. We don’t know where to go from there. We don’t know what to say. “Ohh umm..there is a lot of food isn’t there. If you’re genuinely worried about being too full maybe you should pace yourself….like only eat a little bit now…and then some more later…I don’t know”. Yeahh. I think we’ll try to seek out the Eleanor Roosevelt of the room so we can have a conversation about philosophy or politics, basically anything that has nothing to do with food.

The funny thing is that if society keeps developing in the current direction, we will end up with a Western civilization who are morbidly obese but can’t stop talking about how healthy they eat. And the claims will get more and more contradictory. Capitalism seems to be the biggest hypocrite, because now we’re being sold gyms and health food and alternative medicines and TV shows about health and weightloss and doctors and psychologists to help us resist the chocolate bar…..but aren’t you selling us the chocolate bar? Didn’t you make us fat by crazy-good marketing for fast food stores and misleading nutritional information and making most occupations sedentary? And now you want us to spend ridiculous amounts of money trying to reverse that? Maybe we should be talking about this instead of what we eat.

All we can say is that the more that’s expected of us, the more worried and anxious we become. And the more worried and anxious we become, the more we become apathetic to making any lifestyle changes at all. So we’ve dug ourselves into a big hole, we can’t stop talking about bloody food, when we need to be talking about the fact that the world is ending on the 21st of December and NO ONE seems to be doing anything about THAT do they.

But we will leave you with some food for thought (hehe). We both got McDonalds after watching ‘Supersize Me’. It’s true. It’s shameful, we’re not proud of it, but it’s true.

#14: The Year 6 Farewell we just worked at

 

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It was a mild, slightly overcast afternoon, when Castor and Pollux walked into work on this uneventful Tuesday. They knew they were working a Year 6 Farewell, and remembered these types of functions vividly from last year, particularly one where the DJ played “Sexual Healing” more than once, and no one else seemed to be phased by the inappropriateness and irrelevance of such a song to a primary school graduation. Upon walking into work, there was the usual array of balloons and name cards, a jug of soft drink per table (which was code for high pitched screams and children running into glass doors in no time) and a table for the teachers conveniently located such that they could repimand/shout at the children over dinner.

As the students began to arrive, something seemed out of the ordinary. High heels perhaps, professionally curled hair, excessive eye shadow, and dresses that would have fit in on a red carpet. It is…your Year 6 graduation. Not even sure why they have one. Doesn’t everyone graduate from Year 6? Is it even an achievement? Am I meant to write that on my CV? “Graduated from Year 6 2002, majoring in fingerpainting with a minor in diaramas”. Anyway..whatever..its cute. What perplexed us most at first were the handbags. Every single girl had a handbag. Small issue: why? Reasons for having a handbag include:

a) to carry your wallet which holds your cash, cards, ID, vouchers, gym membership, old receipts, perfume samples, foreign coins, business cards, unactivated Boost membership card, etc etc, NONE of which a 12 year old would need/have. There was a bar tab…your meal is paid for…no one needed any money. You’re 12…you’re drinking orange juice…you don’t have or need an ID. Mummy buys your Boost…you’re not old enough to have an “account” with any kind of institution. Conclusion: no wallet in handbag.

b) to carry “sanitary items”, as your 60 year old teacher would probably call them. We don’t know about the hormones people put in chicken these days but we don’t think too many girls before the age of 12 have their period. Moreover, it seems very unlikely that, of the 20 girls in the room, who probably don’t get their period at yet, to all have their period at once. Conclusion: no pads or tampons in handbag.

c) to hold make up/perfume/deoderant/maybe even a toothbrush, in case you end up staying at your boyfriends house and need to freshen up! You went to school today…you’re going to school tomorrow…no boy in your class is looking at you because they’re too busy arguing about getting Coke or Fanta (we don’t sell Fanta) and throwing food at each other. You think they’re “gross” and “feral” anyway. Conclusion: no secret sleepover items in handbag.

d) to hold a phone. At least 80% of that room had an iPhone. They were taking panorama shots of the room. It’s your Year 6 graduation, NO ONE CARES. Sorry, thats rude. Mummy and Daddy care, but THEY’RE THERE. And they have a camera. Are you going to upload that photo onto facebook? If so, who do you know who is not in the room? But more importantly, why do you have a phone? And why did you bring it with you? As the Year 6 teacher wisely stated, “you are safe here…you do not need your phones”. If you have your phone out the whole time, you don’t need a handbag. Maybe you can just put it in your bra? I’m sure you’re wearing one of those, even though it’s just as useless as the handbag. Conclusion: no phone in handbag, phone in hand.

The argument that the youth are degenerating is as old as time. Plato credited Socrates with saying, over 1500 years ago, “The children now love luxury. They have bad manners, contempt for authority, they show disrespect to their elders…. They no longer rise when elders enter the room. They contradict their parents, chatter before company, gobble up dainties at the table, cross their legs, and are tyrants over their teachers”. Hehe they run this story on A Current Affair once a week. And every one of my grandparents have said this about the younger generation, almost verbatim, at one time or another. This isn’t what we’re saying about this Year 6 graduation, although we’re pretty sure that if their teacher read this quote, she would think it was someone describing her class. Children aren’t any more naughty, or rude, or disrespectful than they used to be. They find their elders just as annoying as we did. Seriously, their teacher made a 15 minute speech about their bad behaviour because they weren’t dancing properly to that ‘Hey Baby’ song that was NEVER cool. And we both had to leave the room because we couldn’t stop laughing, especially at the point where the teacher said “of all the Year 6 graduations I have been to, I have never seen behaviour like this. You look so lovely, but your manners are disgraceful,” which we had heard, exactly, last year. Any student who dances obediently to the Nutbush or the Macarena needs to be institutionalized, so personally we were all for a little bit of disrespect. But what we did find striking, was the gendering of this Year 6 class, and how the girls were expected to be beautiful women, and the boys were expected to be disruptive and hopeless men.

We don’t understand why every announcement to a class must begin with “boys and girls”. We also don’t understand how a school can seriously condone or encourage girls to look and act like they are grown women. It’s so tempting to take one aside and say, “you have your whole life to hate yourself! You have your whole life to get up in the morning and decide you are not good enough, and therefore paint your face and curl your hair and lengthen your legs”. One girl was wearing a white number with buttons the whole way down the back, that resembled a wedding dress, with silver sparkly heels. Now, when it came to dancing, she had a conundrum, because, as most girls discover years later, it is incredibly painful and difficult to dance in high heels (i.e: modern day Chinese footbinding). BUT, like every great woman, she had thought about this problem in advance, and brought a pair of flats. MAYBE THATS WHY SHE BROUGHT A HANDBAG. The sight of a 12 year old girl having to change her shoes from heels to flats, both of which match perfectly with her wedding dress, in order to dance to the..wait for it…CHICKEN DANCE…is nothing short of tragic. Nanananananana (youlook25) nanananananana (whydoyouhaveahandbag) nuhnuhnuhnuh (youlooklikeawhitechicken) NUH NUH NUH NUH.

On a more serious note, Castor was very confused when she went to the bathroom to get away from it all (sorry boss) and had angry Year 6 girls knocking at her door yelling “whose in there!?” Considering Castor is much shorter than the average 12 year old girl, she felt slightly intimidated. It turns out though (we discovered due to some A grade eavesdropping from Pollux) that these crazy kids were after their friend who had gone to the bathroom to throw up her dinner. What. The. Hell. What is wrong with the world? How does she even know bulimia is a thing? And now all her friends know that bulimia is a thing? And apparently bullying somebody for being bulimic is the solution. This child is 12 years old. We had naïvely idealised that childhood was a time where girls were occupied with so many other endeavours, like playing bullrush and handball, that one’s body weight was not a central concern. While there is contradictory evidence about the aeitiology of eating disorders, and whether social pressures are as important as we often assume, it seems that when we have children with handbags, high heels and make up, we are giving them not only adult accessories, which we often write off as cute, but also adult problems.

It can be very funny watching a little girl imitate an adult. One girl, after being told that she must wait until everyone on her table received their meal before she could begin, put her hands over her mouth and squealed “Ah! Oh but it is just so tempting! It looks aaaamazing.”…It was chicken nuggets and chips. Yeah its tempting. I had some (probably of yours) in the kitchen, but what is with pretending it is like crème Brulee or fillet mignon? We literally got it out of the freezer and put it in the fryer. Another girl gasped when her friend (in the white dress) walked in and just kept looking her up and down saying “Oh. My. God.” Thus, it is unequivocal that these girls imitate. They imitate their mummy’s, each other, people on television/in movies, women in magazines etc. We happened to stumble upon the “Victoria’s Secret Runway Show” the other night during the ad break of “Judge Judy”, which reaffirmed our hunch that girls of the Western world are doomed. We could write a book about everything that was wrong with it, and how bizarre it is that as a culture we absolutely worship models, despite the fact they do not work as hard, and do not contribute to society, in the same way that a shop keeper, a cleaner, a nurse or a teacher does. Yet, it is them that we ask about love, life and success (R.e: Just because you look good in your underwear does not make you better at life). Weight and success are becoming more and more synonymous and this is deeply problematic. Losing the baby weight within like three months of giving birth does not make you a better mother…by next year we will have a VS model who is literally still in labour on the runway, but who has already lost that dreaded baby weight! Anyway, when we heard a model brag that she was going to be wearing a 2.5 million dollar bra on the runway we vomited and then changed the channel…to Toddlers and Tiaras. Yes. Toddlers and Tiaras is a form of child abuse. Yes. The mums should be in prison. Yes. People are universally opposed to this show. But why? Hang on. We just went from watching Victoria’s Secret models being heralded as the most successful and “amazing” (quote) women in the world, to young girls imitating them? Why are we so outraged and surprised? Why are we so accepting and in awe of the models who set the standards? What is going on? You see. People are not idiots. These mothers, as weird as they may be, can see what is socially valued in women in 2012, and that is beauty (and a box gap). They are simply encouraging their girls to emulate it. If we are so disgusted by these creepy toddlers then we must, by extension, be just as disgusted by these creepy women who should know better.

To bring it back to this awful Year 6 Farewell. Sometimes it takes someone to imitate us to realise how stupid we look. When you see a 12 year old, stumbling around in heels that don’t fit, with a bag with nothing in it, in a dress that doesn’t sit right, with professionally curled hair, and adorned with stacks of make up, sure we’re having a giggle at them, but really, we’re having a very sad laugh at ourselves. What the HELL are we doing? The boys are breaking it down to the macarena because they don’t have to worry about anyone seeing their undies, or leaving their empty handbag unattended, or breaking their ankle in their impractical shoes. It is the same with Toddlers and Tiaras. These girls look so absurd, because all the ridiculous trinkets of femininity are put onto a body that can’t quite comprehend what it’s all about.

Therefore, it is perceivable, not only via celebrities, music, books and cultural trends, but also through the people all around us, that the world is ending. We hope for those girls’ sake that it is, because if they are 25 by their Year 6 graduation, then they will be menapausal by Year 10, and dead by the time they actually graduate.

#15: Lara Bingle wants to be taken seriously

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The Mayans predicted it, conspiracy theorists write about it, some scientists have supported it, John Cusack starred in a movie about it, the crazy old man at West Ryde hands out a pamphlet about it, but up until a few months ago, we weren’t entirely convinced that the world was ending in 2012. On some idle Monday night (we don’t actually know what day it was, this was months ago for Gods sake), we were sitting at home, watching one of the greatest television shows of this millenium, ‘The Biggest Loser’, when we had one of those earth shattering, life changing moments, where you begin to question everything you thought you knew. As the ad break came on, and we went to get some chocolate from the fridge (standard Biggest Loser ritual, eat what they just had to turn down in temptation hehe) something caught our eye. Three words: “Being Lara Bingle”. Her face…it was everywhere. All different expressions, as if we/ anyone had asked what it was like to be her. Actually ‘Being Lara Bingle’ would have to be most Australian’s worst nightmare. We have nightmares about making very public and embarrassing mistakes, like going to school naked, and Lara Bingle’s life is like that times a million. We came to the realisation that there was, indeed, going to be a show, that had as its subject a (former)… model?, who seemed to have very little to offer to an audience. But, much to our dismay, we were wrong. We only had to get a glimpse of the first episode (for PURELY research purposes) to realise that she had absolutely NOTHING to offer an audience. That was early 2012. And by the end of 2012, there is more to fear than her television show. Now she wants to be taken seriously. In her words, she wants to “stand for something”, to have “depth and substance”, and ultimately, to be “credible”.

  1. The only person who continues to care about and show any interest in Lara Bingle is Lara Bingle.
  2. You can’t just ‘want’ to be credible…
  3. Why doesn’t she just ‘stand for something’ instead of talking about how she wants to stand for something?
  4. People don’t just stand for something because they think that’s a good way to further their career. Most people actually, you know, stand for something.
  5. She has the depth of a puddle and the substance of her stupid vegetable juice diet that niether Hermionie (Her best friend. What kind of real person is named Hermionie?) or herself, remotely understand.

It would be too easy and cheap to write a whole post on Bingle’s recurrent mistakes and possible/probable “retart”ation…(as she spells it), but this blog is not about ripping women to shreds, like most other forms of media. It’s simply about determining the 21 reasons why the world is ending, which is often not about people as individuals, but the values they represent. And Bingle represents the apocalypse of television, the cycle of being famous for being famous, and the way in which choosing to be a bikini model turned cricketers girlfriend turned reality TV star, can sometimes compromise your integrity :(

In the Good Weekend article published recently which drew attention to Bingle’s plea to be taken seriously, she acknowledges with light hearted humour that sometimes she doesn’t know what she’s famous for! (That’s not that funny, its kind of annoying) The Good Weekend is one of the few remaining reputable media sources…isn’t it? And this is what they came up with. Isn’t there world news? There are 7 billion people in the world, and the Good Weekend has a lengthy story about an insignificant thought that passed through Lara Bingle’s head for a moment. She probably didn’t even mean it. In the space of a year she’s gone from putting on weight as a result of a relationship break up to losing it in incredibly unhealthy ways, from being photographed nude on her balcony (how anyone could get a photograph of her, when her glass windows pretty much serve as a podium to the busiest beach is Australia…is beyond us) to attempting to reignite her modelling career, and now, from having a COLONOSCOPY on her reality television show, where she is filmed sitting on the toilet giggling while she has intense diarrhea, to wanting to be “credible”. Look, in short, the answer is NUP Lara. We take Obama seriously, we take Oprah seriously, we take Germaine Greer seriously, we don’t even like Tony Abbott but we sort of take him seriously, and you know why? Because NOT ONE of them have taken a dump on national television. Oh yeah and they also stand for ideas that don’t involve exposing yourself naked in order to stimulate publicity for a new television show…or HITTING a motocyclist whilst driving with a suspended licence and then fleeing the scene. We bet all of these people would have thought to use this genius, underground, up and coming search engine that some may have heard of ‘Google’ to check whether their famous boyfriend might…I don’t know…be MARRIED with children.

The other thing about people who are taken seriously, is that they tend to rest on things like qualifications, or years of experience, maybe some hard work, selfless endeavours, and often a touch of philanthropy. The funny thing about Lara Bingle is that she attempts to rest on a past of not being taken seriously in order to find a platform upon which, she can be taken seriously. Her only suggestion as to how she might become credible, is by designing a lingerie line, which isn’t a bad business endeavour for someone who appears not to have any underwear.

They say those who stand for nothing, will fall for anything. I think they were talking about Lara Bingle. When interviewed about her weight gain (yes, 6kg, this is newsworthy stuff. Most of us would put this on over Christmas – meh), she seems to see that her being ridiculed by the media might adversely affect young girls, for whom the average size is larger than Bingle. Good point, very true, there we go, starting to stand for something – but clearly not her idea. A great proportion of her show is centered around just how uncomfortable she feels in her “fat” body, the awkwardness of not fitting into clothes, the horror of seeing photos of her cellulite, and that awful feeling you get when you realise how hot you used to be, and how everything’s gone downhill from there. But don’t worry young girls, because your family and friends will love you nonetheless, because what’s truly important is who you are and what you believe in. Quote Lara in an interview, “how is a size 12-14 girl meant to feel?”. I don’t know Lara, why don’t you ask your brother? Quote Josh (whoareyou) Bingle, “No one is going to give the chubbies a chance in a magazine. I mean who wants to look at a big porker?”. He says he’d never go out with a fat girl, but he needn’t worry, because we can’t see any girl, big or small, wanting to go out with him. Lara appears to be the only girl who sees him as dateworthy, so maybe they should get together, we’re sure interbreeding isn’t new to their family. And they’re a lost bloodline anyway. But seriously Josh Bingle…WHO ARE YOU? You are the brother of someone who barely knows why she is famous…and for some reason we’re in our loungeroom hearing you say you’d never go out with a fat girl? What? You don’t have any authority on anything and as much as we couldn’t care less whether someone is good looking or not, you really are not very handsome.

So for the remainder of time we have left, here are some tips for being taken seriously (these are for you too Josh):

  • Stop breaking the law. Like altogether. No assaults, or driving infringements, or pretending you don’t know whether you have a license, or saying you “took” your friends points for her (??), because that is also breaking the law. You are NOT above the law, evidenced by your several fines and charges. The only time in which it is acceptable to break the law is when an oppressive regime has taken over your country and you are attempting to fight for freedom. We do not think this is the case, we do not think this is what you are trying to do. GET A LICENSE!!! And Josh Bingle, you just can’t hit people, because you think you’re all that. Most of Australia wants to hit you, so not only are you breaking the law, but you’re putting yourself in a very dangerous position.
  • Get a job, any job. A real job. Don’t quit your job (crane operator Josh Bingle we’re talking to you). Having your own reality TV show: not a job. Having photographs taken of yourself naked/in a bikini with cellulite/in the shower: not a job. Dating famous AFL star or cricketer: not a job. Overlooking someone else design lingerie for brand ‘Lara Bingle': not a job. Driving your sister around because she doesn’t have a license: not a job (bit more ambiguous, because she was paying him, more so a job than other “jobs”). Go on to Seek.com, apply for a job, and go to it, for the required hours. Work at McDonalds, work at Bra’s n Things if you like lingerie so much.
  • Get. Off. Twitter. Twitter should come with terms and conditions which state that you are compromising all future credibility by being a part of it. Particularly if you tweet about being a “retart”. This goes for the Pope too. Don’t Tweet a picture of starving children who are smoking, accompanied by the commentary, “poverty stricken but still cool as fuck”. No. Firstly, dying of poverty isn’t cool. Secondly Lara, after a little bit of research, it appears that smoking kills – not so cool. It also gives you an inflated sense of your own self worth which is the last thing any Bingle needs.
  • Stop talking. Stop talking about wanting to be taken seriously, about your weight, about what you want to do, about your love life, about your management, about the media, about YOURSELF, and you might learn something. Just…shut up. Shh. Nope shhhhhhhh. No more talking, no more articles in the paper. Refer to point number 2, and start to listen instead of speaking..all..the..time.

People will not take you seriously if your best friend, who you met on a plane, like last week, is also your manager. People will not take you seriously if the most genuine and authentic people on your reality TV show, and the most likely to get more work out of this genre of television, are Nan and Pop Bingle. People will not take you seriously if you live in an $8 million apartment rented for you by the production team of your reality TV show. People will not take you seriously if your brother and best friend are sleeping together but don’t appear to even almost like each other, and thats like…the complication? Of the series?

The world is most definitely ending when Lara Bingle can non-ironically and contently claim that she wants to be taken seriously. It’s like Pauline Hanson wanting to front an Aboriginal Rights protest…or Alan Jones pleading to lead a march against modern day sexism. Like…no. The universe cannot handle this kind of unrecognised hypocricy any longer!

A world in which Lara Bingle is taken seriously, is a world we do not want to be a part of. Thank god we won’t have to be.